by Carey Nieuwhof: You might be asking yourself as a church leader, why does everyone seem so angry with me right now?

You’re not alone.

As pastor appreciation month fades into the rearview mirror, despite getting a few chocolates and a handful of thank you cards (or nothing…that’s happened before too), many church leaders I talk to are feeling more unappreciated, misunderstood and more criticized than ever.

Criticism stings, and in a prolonged crisis like this one, just when you feel like you need more encouragement than usual, it feels like you’re getting all-time-high levels of static.

What’s going on?

Just so we don’t all go to a false pity-party, let me say sometimes it’s definitely you.  I’ve made some significant leadership blunders myself. Maybe you did something to anger your team, upset your church, led change unwisely or made some other decisions that really messed things up.

If that’s the case, the best thing to do is stop reading this post, talk to the people around you, get some help and make it right.

But if that’s not the case—and I’m guessing for most of you that’s not the case right now—what do you do when you’re giving your all, working hard day and night and you really love the people you serve, and you still get a load of rage dumped on your doorstep?

What do you do when you throw your heart into it and  you still get an ALL CAPS EMAIL,  an anonymous note and people threatening to leave the church? Sure, you’re not perfect, but come on….really?

What’s up with that?

I’ve gone through some undeserved seasons of opposition and criticism before as well.

Here are three factors that might help explain what’s happening, as well as three things that can help you push through through the months ahead. We all need all the help we can get right now in the midst of this crisis.

As pastor appreciation month fades into the rearview mirror, many church leaders are feeling more unappreciated, misunderstood and more criticized than ever.

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3 Factors That Create Undeserved Criticism

Undeserved criticism is the kind of criticism that either comes out of nowhere, or that happens when people treat a 2 out of 10 level problem as though it were a 12 out of 10 issue. You know what I mean.

All of which leaves you feeling perplexed, hurt, agitated, isolated, defeated and angry at the same time.

You feel like you have nowhere to go and over time, it diminishes your motivation to serve.

Why does that happen? Why do you get all kinds of static when there’s really nothing wrong?

Here are 3 reasons that happens all the time in the church and in many organizations.

1. 95% of all problems in the church have nothing to do with the church

In the early days of ministry, I began to see a pattern.

The complaints people levied against the church often didn’t have anything to do with the church.

95% of all problems in the church have nothing to do with the church.

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Yes, they were upset about the music or the direction, but if you drilled a little deeper, you soon discovered that there were other factors at work.

They were struggling at work, or their marriage was under a lot of stress, or they were battling an addiction or really down on themselves.

Add the global crisis into the mix, and people are struggling deeply with fear, medical, financial, political, emotional and relational stress unlike anything most have every coped with.

No wonder they’re agitated. Under that kind of stress, people get agitated and the anger has to come out somewhere. The church is an easy target.

In the same road rage is rarely about what happens on the highway, church rage is often not about what’s happening in the church. The guy who barely cut you off just bore the full weight of your unresolved issues in that moment.

Which leads us back to the key point: 95% of all problems in the church have nothing to do with the church.

That doesn’t make the anger go away, but it can help you empathize more and take it less personally.

In the same road rage is rarely about what happens on the highway, church rage is often not about what’s happening in the church.

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2. Distance and division have made people ruder and bolder 

The pandemic has separated us from each other in so many ways.

As more of our life moves online, and as personal contact becomes less frequent you and I get bolder and ruder.

We live in an angry age, and the current crises have only made that worse. Far worse. (I outlined 5 reasons anger is the new epidemic here.)

Here’s what happens when we get separated from each other, in normal conditions but especially in the midst of crisis: distance between people desensitizes people.

Distance between people desensitizes people.

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Generals have known this for millennia. That’s why soldiers wear uniforms and wear war paint. It not only identifies you, but it disguises your humanity. It’s easier to shoot you when I can’t see you.

Before you judge soldiers, think of how you sometimes behave in your car. As already indicated, chances are, you’re naturally more aggressive there too—occasionally cutting people off, tailgating, honking your horn, and not caring nearly as much as you normally do.

Why do you behave differently in a car than when you’re not in a car?

Because you’re in a 3000-pound armored vehicle. You don’t see the guy bothering you as a person. You see him as a problem. So you get way more aggressive.

Even in the supermarket, you’re ruder when you have a shopping cart in your hands than when you don’t.

The same dynamic is at work in social media and our life online and any time we’re not eyeball to eyeball in the room with another human.

When you’re online and you can’t see the whites of someone’s eyes, it’s just easier to shoot.

Bottom line? It’s never been easier to be known and hide simultaneously than it is online. And it’s never been easier to take pot shots at leaders than it is now.

So when you get those angry emails, letters, voicemails and snappy comments, just know it’s often 10x more animated than it would be in-person.

Bottom line? It’s never been easier to be known and hide simultaneously than it is online. And it’s never been easier to take pot shots at leaders than it is now.

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3. You’re a little agitated too

Ever notice that 0n some days little things bother you, while on other days nothing seems to bother you (even criticism)?

What’s the difference?

The difference is you—some days little things get to you and little things become big things. Other days, everything rolls off your back.

When you’re stressed everything tends to bother you, including things that shouldn’t.

Guess what? You’re leading in the midst of an insanely complicated crisis. You’re stressed.

So something that wouldn’t get under your skin in normal times probably is getting under your skin today.

Something you would handle maturely and calmly has now got you cracking on the inside.

That’s natural. It’s a really tough season.

The best strategy when I know I’m not in a good place is to take a break. You never respond well when you’re angry or irritated. Neither do I.

Pray, get some sleep, talk to a friend and come back at it with a fresh mind and heart.

The situation won’t have changed, but you’ll be better. And when you’re better, things tend to get better.

Leader, when you’re better, things tend to get better.

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3 Keys To Getting Healthier

So what do you do?

In terms of replying to the people who are mad at you, these 5 pro tips on how to handle criticism will help. Every time I use them, the situation gets better. Every time I ignore them, I make things worse, not better. In and of itself, Pro Tip #4—Reply Relationally—is a very effective tension diffuser and conflict de-escalator.

So start there.

But it’s deeper than that.

You probably still have months—or even a year—of this crazy upside down season ahead of you in leadership. I want you to make it through the long haul.

So here are three longer term strategies that can help you lead healthier and stay healthier.

1. Grieve your losses

This has been a season of incredible loss. In normal times, people in ministry suffer loss every day.

Think about it.

Every time someone leaves your ministry or steps back from your team, it’s a loss.  Whenever you give something only to find ingratitude, it’s a loss.  Every time someone tells you’re great but you should really see the other guy who’s awesome, it’s a loss.

Add in death, illness and strained or lost relationships and, well, you get the picture.

Then add all the complexity, shock and insanity that 2020 has been into the mix and it’s just so much loss.

A mentor of mine once told me that in his view so many pastors quit ministry or lose their effectiveness not because any one incident made them snap or quit – but rather because the loss that provoked their exit is tied to dozens or hundreds of ungrieved losses along the way.

They might not even understand why they’re stepping back, shutting down or resigning.  All they know is they just can’t take it anymore. (My mentor, Terry Wardle, explains that theory here.)

When I first heard of this theory, I had so much ungrieved loss it took my about a month of tears to move through it.

Since then, one of the practices I’ve adopted is to grieve my losses as they happen.

I take time daily and weekly to review what’s bothering me and simply pray about it. Sometimes I talk to others about it.

I try to let myself stop and feel what I’ve experienced.  And when I feel it, something surprising happens – the negative feeling pretty much disappears.

If I do it promptly when a loss occurs, I can even respond to a four out of ten email or remark with a two out of ten reply – not a twelve.  I can actually offer grace.

If you want to stay healthy, grieve your losses. You’ve had a lot of loss.

Many pastors quit ministry or lose their effectiveness not because any one incident made them snap or quit – but rather because the loss that provoked their exit is tied to dozens or hundreds of ungrieved losses along the way.

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2. Get Around Some Life-Giving People

So much of ministry and leadership involves giving. And because ministry is giving, it can be draining.

I frequently ask ministry leaders, “When was the last time you went out for dinner with a couple and laughed so hard you cried? You know, a lost-track-of-time-completely kind of dinner?”

The blank looks and the looks of shock and disappointment on leaders’ faces tells the story.

We don’t do this nearly enough.

Your leadership is like a bank account. You can only give so much without becoming overdrawn. Be overdrawn long enough and you go bankrupt.

Go find some friends who energize you. Then, hang out.

So much of ministry and leadership is giving. And because ministry is giving, it can be draining.

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3. Embrace a sustainable pace…before it’s too late

This crisis has gone on way longer than anyone either wanted it to or than most (including me) thought it would.

Most leaders are dead tired.  And a lot of leaders are still holding out for some time off for their sanity and for the way to make it through.  Time off is wonderful.

But time off can’t save you if the problem is how you spend your time on.

Time off can’t save you if the problem is how you spend your time on.

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And the problem with most leaders is not how we spend our time off. It’s how we spend our time on.

Moving forward, definitely take some time off but focus even more intensely on creating a sustainable rhythm for every day.

The mantra I’ve lived by for the last decade plus is, live in a way today that will help you thrive tomorrow.  Do that, and you’ll lead through this crisis so much more effectively.

Live in a way today that will help you thrive tomorrow.

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Living in a way today that will help me thrive tomorrow will help me figure out everything from how much sleep I need, how many meetings to take, how many decisions I can reasonably make, and how to replenish myself daily so I can lead at home and at work.

This might take constant adjustment on your part, but it’s worth it.

More time off isn’t the solution for an unsustainable pace. A sustainable pace is the solution for an unsustainable pace.

More time off isn’t the solution for an unsustainable pace. A sustainable pace is the solution for an unsustainable pace.

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Partner Spotlight: Searching for Ways to Cut Costs So You Don’t Have to Cut Staff?

Health insurance is always expensive, but during these stressful times, budgets may be even tighter than normal.

But now is not the time to leave your people without healthcare.

What if you could provide coverage for your staff while saving thousands for your church AND your people?

If you think this sound too good to be true, my partners at Remodel Health make this dream a reality every day for churches and faith-based organizations across the country.

To date, Remodel Health has helped Carey Nieuwhof readers and podcast listeners save over $2.1 million in the last year and a half! Imagine what your ministry could do with those savings.

We know healthcare is confusing, and right now is a very challenging time for churches, but now is the time for change.

If you’re interested in learning more, visit Remodel Health where you can download their free Church Buyer’s Guide and eBook.

Click here to access their free resources.

What Do You See?

Any other reasons you see for the level of criticism leaders are facing right now?

And what do you do to stay engaged, healthy and encouraged?

We need to make it through this prolonged crisis together.

Scroll down and leave a comment!

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Source: Pastors, Here’s Why Everyone’s So Mad At You Right Now

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by Jim Putman: Family… that word probably brings many thoughts to your mind. You may have memories of fun and loving holiday times together with lots of food and laughter. Or you may be one of the many people that have memories of bitterness, conflict and broken relationships. Some may even have no family memories; and spent your life dreaming of what it would be like to have one. Whatever family experience you have had in your life, when you become a follower of Jesus you are adopted into a new family, and you become a child of God. All of a sudden, you become FAMILY with other believers! And, like most families – it comes with its share of struggles.

God has given us each other as a spiritual family for several purposes. One is that we need never feel alone here in this world, even though we know it isn’t our home. Another is that we have each other to give and take support when we are in need. Because of this, even if your biological family has not been loving or supportive you will have a spiritual family that can fill in those gaps in your life.

Jim is one of the speakers at this year’s National Disciple Making Forum. Learn more and register here.

Sounds great, doesn’t it!? The only problem is, this spiritual family is also filled with people. And wherever there are people, there is the potential for conflict. Because, well, because we are human! The Holy Spirit is changing us to look more like Jesus, but that is a process and we all fail at times. Sometimes we hurt each other in this family. Sometimes we get hurtand we want to isolate and protect ourselves. And most of the time we would rather keep our church family at arm’s length. We are afraid to be vulnerable, afraid we will be rejected if we share our ugly parts.

According to the plan God has for His children and His Church – we don’t get to choose isolation. In fact – isolation is Satan’s plan because he knows it is where he can work best, where he can hurt both God and us.

There are Four Environments where we need to spend time with our spiritual family according to what God has laid out for us in His Word. If you are engaged in all of these environments:

One on one time with Jesus.
A spiritual friendship with one or two people where you feel safe to confess sin.
A discipleship group of around 12 people.
Worship as the church body, as well as working corporately within our gifting as a team.

The two things that are integral to each of these environments are God’s Word and relationship.

Unfortunately, the only one of those environments most Christian’s are involved in is the weekend service. Weekend Christianity will NEVER be enough to mature you spiritually! You cannot fit all God knows you need into 1 ½ hours a week.

You also cannot grow and mature without relationships. Where else do you get to practice all of the things God calls us to be as His children?  How do we learn that love is patient and kind if we are isolated from each other? How do we developthe fruit of the Spirit if we never have a chance to display kindness, gentleness, and self-control?

“Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”  Phil. 4:9

I want to challenge you to make your spiritual family a priority in your life – these four environments need to be reflected in your calendar and your schedule. Time every day with God – 2 or 3 friends that will hold you accountable – A weekly small group – and lastly, coming together weekly to worship and serve with your local body of believers.

If we follow the design that God intends for his children, we will be able to grow to the full potential he has for us. And our lives will reflect the richness and joy that being a follower of Jesus brings. When that happens, people can’t help but notice a difference between the world and us and want to know more about becoming part of our family!

They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possesions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people.” Acts 2: 42-47a

Written by Jim Putman

This was originally posted on Jim Putman’s blog here. Used with permission.

Source: The Dangerous Trap Of Isolation – And How You Can Avoid It

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Source: Pushing into Places of Conflict for the Good of the Kingdom

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Source: Every Church Staff Team Needs a Little Bit of Friction

The post Every Church Staff Team Needs a Little Bit of Friction appeared first on Passion for Planting.