Source: Diffusing an Angry Volunteer

The post Diffusing an Angry Volunteer appeared first on Passion for Planting.

By Craig Nieuwhof: How do you pastor a mob?

The truth is you can’t.

At least not easily.

The only problem is that right now you have to.

In the last few years, we’ve moved from an era of reasonable consensus to polarization, partisanship, and division. That’s true of congregations, boards, staff, teams, and almost every group that gathers these days.

The crisis of 2020-2021 has accelerated and heightened the tension.

For pastors, and for almost every leader these days, there’s no escaping the fact that pastoring a mob now comes with the job.

No wonder 29% of pastors have said they’ve seriously thought about quitting ministry in the last year. And turnover was already a challenge everywhere.

To make it more interesting, not only does everyone have an opinion, everyone now has a platform on which to share it. And share it they do.

The question becomes, do you lead in this environment, where few people agree on anything and everyone has easy access to you to criticize anything you do as a leader publicly and regularly?

How do you pastor a mob?

It’s definitely not easy, but here are four strategies that can help.

For pastors, and for almost every leader these days, there’s no escaping the fact that pastoring a mob now comes with the job.

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1. Expect Less Affirmation (So Find It Elsewhere) 

One of the big adjustments every leader is making right now is to get used to leading with less affirmation.

As Tim Keller put it recently,

“Not only is everybody tired, but nobody’s getting any positive affirmation…Almost nobody’s getting any pats on the back.

So you’re just running and running to try to keep things together. And there are no hugs, literally no hugs.

[Leaders are] getting absolutely no affirmation. There’s just a tremendous amount of loneliness of feeling of being separated from so many people that we care about. We just can’t live this way.”

Keller is absolutely correct.

Not only is everybody tired, but nobody’s getting any positive affirmation. Almost nobody’s getting any pats on the back. And there are no hugs, literally no hugs. We just can’t live this way. @timkellernyc

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What Do You Do About It? 

The question then becomes, well, what do you do about that?

Breaking down disappointment and the lack of affirmation can be helpful.

Disappointment and delight usually consist of the gap between what you thought would happen and what actually happened. If whatever you’re doing ends up being less than you imagined, you’re disappointed. If it turns out better, you’re delighted.

These days, almost everything seems to be turning out slightly worse than you had hoped.

This takes us back to the old adage: the secret to happiness is low expectations.

We may be in for a season where it’s going to be a challenge. Knowing that, and realizing you’re here to serve people who have not got a lot of joy happening in their lives right now can help you calibrate your expectations appropriately.

A second strategy is to seek affirmation elsewhere.

This can happen in a variety of ways. One obvious starting point is in your relationship with God. As a person of faith, there are days where that might be the only affirmation you receive all day.

But on many days, you can also find joy and affirmation from other sources: from your family, from a life-giving friend, from a walk in the woods, a good cup of coffee, or from a hobby that gives you a deep sense of satisfaction.

It’s essential that you do this and not feel guilty.  To find life-giving sources, habits, and rhythms is basic self-care.

Leaders who don’t practice self-care will soon find themselves either burned out or heading down the path of self-indulgence.  Both will sabotage your leadership in the end.

Leaders who don’t practice self-care will soon find themselves either burned out or heading down the path of self-indulgence.

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2. Be What You Hope To See

Almost every leader I know has been disappointed not just by random critics or uninvested people going off unhinged. They’ve also been hurt or disappointed by at least one long term friend, associate or colleague who’s turned on them over the last year.

That just further illustrates how hard a season it’s been for everyone.

So what do you? How do you respond?

The line I’ve tried to follow, sometimes successfully and sometimes not, is to be what I hope to see.

In other words, if you hope to see people behaving reasonably, be reasonable.

Leaders, be what you hope to see. For example, if you want people to behave reasonably, be reasonable.

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If you’re hoping for kindness, compassion and grace, embody that.

Don’t return sarcastic, snide or angry comments with sarcastic, snide or angry responses.

It can be hard. I scroll through the comments on this site or on my social media feed every day. Most are super encouraging. But there are also more than a few that are corrosive, angry or downright toxic.

My first instinct is to want to retaliate…to get back at the commenter. I’ve had some incredibly snide replies composed in my head…and that’s exactly where they need to stay. In my head.

There are also times I’ve tried to win over irate people online. I find I can’t. I can usually diffuse a situation in real life. On the internet? Almost a 0% success rate. So I no longer try.

I’ve also tried to discuss things online with people who have extreme and public views on subjects. Trying to change their minds is like trying to move a 10 ton block of steel with your baby finger. Not only does the steel not budge, you now have a broken finger.

The best way to react to angry, extreme views is to be what you hope to see.

I hope to see reasonable people who respect and love each other, and who can disagree with each other without being disagreeable. So I try to be that.

I think there’s a huge opening in our culture right now for moderate, compassionate, reasonable people. That’s what I hope to be.

What do you hope to see? Be that.

3. Don’t Get Sucked into the Wormhole

What are you trying to accomplish with your leadership?

For me these days in my writing and speaking, I’m trying to help leaders live in a way today that will help them thrive tomorrow.

For decades as a church leader, I spent my time trying to lead people into a growing relationship with Jesus (even though that’s not my “day job” anymore, I’m still committed to that in my personal life).

Whatever you’re trying to accomplish with your leadership, stick to that.

Don’t get sucked into the wormhole that has become public discourse these days.

You don’t need to be a cultural commentator on everything from politics to pro sports to vaccines to state regulations to immigration to Supreme Court decisions to celebrity splits.

And guess what? You’re probably not an expert on any of those things. Neither am I.

Yet you look at a lot of pastor’s social media feeds today, and commenting on anything and everything appears to be their new job.

It probably comes from a good place. After all, you lead in a world where people feel like they got their doctorate in a particular niche subject on YouTube and perfectly understand a topic like no one else does.

But here’s the truth: you’re not going to win that argument. And you don’t need to be in that argument in the first place.

I’ve seen so many leaders peddle away their influence by weighing in on every topic du jour and miss the main point of their ministry and leadership.

So what are you trying to do again?

Stick to that.

And while you’re doing that, focus on the things that unite people, not on the things that divide people.

Focusing on division brings greater division. Focusing on unity brings greater unity.

Right now, in a culture fraught with division, people are longing for unity. So be unifying.

Focusing on division brings greater division. Focusing on unity brings greater unity.

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4. Ban The Trolls (And Tune the Rest Out)

There’s a lot of talk about free speech these days and our right to express ourselves. And I’m all for free speech.

But does that mean everyone gets to say whatever they want however they want wherever they want?

I’m going to suggest the answer to that is no.

Let’s focus on wherever for a minute—as in inside the church or organization you lead.

You definitely need people with diverse views and opinions on your team and in your tribe, but that doesn’t mean there are no limits.

Why?

Simple. The trolls inside your church will kill your culture and can ultimately kill your mission.

The sad truth is, some would love to do just that. They don’t care about you, other people, or your mission nearly as much as they care about themselves and whatever idea or venom they’re peddling in the moment.

The trolls inside your church will kill your culture and can ultimately kill your mission.

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Organizationally, this isn’t nearly as much about free speech, as it is about creating a healthy culture and and cultivating community.

To get a clearer perspective on it, imagine that conversation you’re trying to moderate online or in your church was happening instead at a dinner party in your home.

In the same way you wouldn’t tolerate a dinner guest who punches you in the face, breaks your dishes and insults your spouse and kids, you don’t need to let trolls and haters live in your digital or physical space.

No, if that happened at a dinner party, you’d either insist they leave or call the police, or both. And you’d be justified in doing that.

Trolls and haters intend to divide. They intend to wound and destroy. That’s their game. And I’m going to guess that destruction isn’t the game you’re playing (if it is, then welcome the trolls).

The proper response to someone who intends to destroy you is to stop them from doing so.

And as far as free speech goes, you’re not silencing them forever. Trust me. They’ll find someone else to pick on. You’re just saying it can’t happen in your space.

That’s leadership. And that’s setting a healthy boundary not just for you, but for everyone you lead.

The healthy people will thank you.

In the same way you wouldn’t tolerate a dinner guest who punches you in the face, breaks your dishes and insults your spouse and kids, you don’t need to let trolls and haters live on your digital or physical space.

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So What Specifically Do You Do With Trolls and Haters?

To break it down a little further, here’s what I do with trolls and haters. I started by assuming the best. Everyone has an off day, and sometimes the message I hear is not the message they sent.

Assuming the best means sometimes I ignore the comment or, alternatively, reply with a kinder, more generous response. That never changes a troll by the way.

Then my team and I start looking for patterns. If someone has an abusive pattern and shows no openness to changing, caring about others or even engaging in real dialogue, the proper response is to delete or block.

That’s true online and in real life. In real life on a handful of occasions, I’ve stopped toxic people from serving or joining a group at times because the impact would be so devastating on the people around them.

Remember, too, that we’re talking about less than 1% of the people in your church or maybe 1% of the people on your public channels. But that noisy, angry 1% can take down the 99% who are trying to have real community and real conversation.

It’s perfectly fair to put limits on unhealthy behaviour for the sake of the health of the organization. If you want more, here’s a post outlining 7 pro tips on dealing with toxic people.

What does this leave you with?

A healthier you and a healthier church ready to reach healthier people.

And the trolls and haters, they can find another sandbox to play in.

Which leads to the final point: when you find trolls play in other sandboxes, tune them out.

Consumer some thoughtful, helpful, stimulating content instead, rather than the drivel that makes up too much of life in the moment.

You’ll be so much better off for it. Plus you’ll sleep at night while you work toward a better tomorrow with the people you lead.

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Is Your Church Ready For Future Evangelism? Take The Free Church Outreach Assessment To Find Out.

Almost every church leader wants to grow their church by reaching more people.

As culture continues to change rapidly into a post-Christian era, though, itu2019s left many leaders feeling like theyu2019re not accomplishing their mission. For too many churches, things arenu2019t going as hoped.

After you complete the assessment, youu2019ll receive a detailed breakdown of your results and get access to a free teaching series that will help you take practical steps forward in each of the five areas.

When youu2019re done, youu2019ll be far more equipped to accomplish your mission.

Donu2019t be discouraged. You can still reach people.

Take the Church Outreach Assessment now!”,”container_class”:””,”element_class”:””,”wrap_styles_border”:0,”wrap_styles_width”:””,”wrap_styles_margin”:””,”wrap_styles_padding”:””,”wrap_styles_float”:””,”wrap_styles_show_advanced_css”:0,”label_styles_border”:””,”label_styles_width”:””,”label_styles_font-size”:””,”label_styles_margin”:””,”label_styles_padding”:””,”label_styles_float”:””,”label_styles_show_advanced_css”:0,”element_styles_border”:””,”element_styles_width”:””,”element_styles_font-size”:””,”element_styles_margin”:””,”element_styles_padding”:””,”element_styles_float”:””,”element_styles_show_advanced_css”:0,”cellcid”:”c8551″,”key”:”the_pivot_ready_cheat_sheet_1602862985838″,”drawerDisabled”:false,”wrap_styles_background-color”:””,”wrap_styles_border-style”:””,”wrap_styles_border-color”:””,”wrap_styles_display”:”block”,”field_label”:””,”field_key”:”the_pivot_ready_cheat_sheet_1602862985838″,”id”:1023,”beforeField”:””,”afterField”:””,”value”:”

Is Your Church Ready For Future Evangelism? Take The Free Church Outreach Assessment To Find Out.

Almost every church leader wants to grow their church by reaching more people.

As culture continues to change rapidly into a post-Christian era, though, itu2019s left many leaders feeling like theyu2019re not accomplishing their mission. For too many churches, things arenu2019t going as hoped.

After you complete the assessment, youu2019ll receive a detailed breakdown of your results and get access to a free teaching series that will help you take practical steps forward in each of the five areas.

When youu2019re done, youu2019ll be far more equipped to accomplish your mission.

Donu2019t be discouraged. You can still reach people.

Take the Church Outreach Assessment now!”,”label_pos”:”above”,”parentType”:”html”,”element_templates”:[“html”,”input”],”old_classname”:””,”wrap_template”:”wrap”}];nfForms.push(form);

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How Do You Pastor a Mob?

Those are just a few things that have helped me navigate the rough waters of our culture these days.

What’s helping you cope? What’s helping you set healthy boundaries?

How do you pastor a mob and still advance the mission?

Scroll down and leave a comment.

The post How to Pastor a Mob appeared first on CareyNieuwhof.com.

Source: How to Pastor a Mob

The post How to Pastor a Mob appeared first on Passion for Planting.

By Brandon Cox: So, what do we do about all this stuff?

Years of preaching and listening to sermons about how to be positive, happy, and successful definitely did NOT prepare us to endure a lengthy global pandemic, which triggered a recession, which occurred during an election year, in which racial injustice was brought to the forefront. and income inequality mushroomed.

You can’t follow Jesus and turn a blind eye to those who are suffering while enjoying personal peace and prosperity. It’s simply not an option for a disciple, or for a church full of disciples.

As much as I’d love to go back to business as usual, it’s simply not an appropriate response to all that is happening around us.

But we also can’t get down about all the problems and disengage and retreat. So what can we do?

We CAN listen to the voices of prophets who speak on behalf of the outcast and marginalized.

We CAN develop the compassion and empathy we see exemplified by Jesus.

We CAN think about news and culture through a biblical framework and a gospel lens.

We CAN give out of our extra to help those who lack. We can befriend the lonely. We can serve the sick.

And we CAN do it all as those who have HOPE in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ who is reconciling the world back to himself from its lostness.

We can’t just coast at ease in our own comfort.

We can engage and become love to a world that desperately needs it.

I don’t know what the rest of 2021 will bring, but no matter what happens, our communities and our culture will need people who follow Jesus faithfully to show up again and again full of truth and full of grace.

Just keep showing up. Let’s start there.

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Photo Credit: Matt Bero.

Source: What Can We Do About All the Problems? We Can Keep Showing Up

The post What Can We Do About All the Problems? We Can Keep Showing Up appeared first on Passion for Planting.

By: Carey Nieuwhof

Ever wonder if your organization’s culture is toxic?

Apparently, not enough leaders do.

According to a Gallup survey, only 15% of employees globally are engaged at work.

In America, 30% of employees are engaged, which at first sounds great.

Except that means that 70% of your workforce feels like their job is grinding the life of out of them. 70% of the people you’ve hired or who are part of your organization aren’t showing up with their best, productivity is low and your mission is suffering.

Underneath that is almost always some kind of unhealthy or toxic culture that demotivates your team.

As a result, every day, good people leave. People don’t quit jobs, they quit bosses and cultures.

One of the most important roles you have as a leader is to create a healthy culture that attracts and keeps healthy team members.

One of the challenges in leadership is that the boss is often the last to know that their work culture is toxic.

Leaders consistently overestimate how healthy they are and how healthy their team is.

That’s why I developed a new resource for leaders called The 3 Step Guide to Developing Better Value Statements. It’s free. You can get instant access here.

So how would you know your organization’s culture is toxic?

Here are ten signs.

People don’t quit jobs, they quit bosses and cultures.

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1. You talk ABOUT people, not to THEM

The golden rule of conflict is this: talk to the person you have an issue with, not about them.

In too many organizations, the opposite is true.

People talk about people rather than to them.

Companies are bad that this, but so our churches. Even in churches, conflict gets swept under the carpet, played out in a passive agressive way or spills out into social media.

The church should the BEST organization in the world in dealing with conflict. Often, we can be the worst.

The church should the BEST organization in the world in dealing with conflict. Often, we can be the worst.

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The next time you want to talk about someone (i.e. gossip), talk to them instead.

If you can’t or won’t, then it’s either not that big of an issue, so let it go. Or, you have a problem deeper than you realize. Get some help.

This also stops gossip dead in its tracks.

The next time you want to talk about someone (i.e. gossip), talk to them instead.

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2. You have to play politics to get anything done

One sure sign of a toxic culture is that you have to play politics to get anything done.

You know things have gotten political in your organization when:

Decisions rarely get made the way they’re supposed to be made.

Most decisions happen outside of meetings or any agreed-upon process.

You can’t get a yes without offering something in return.

You have to continually lobby to be heard.

If you’re always jockeying, lobbying and courting favor to get the right decision made, it’s a sign your organization is unhealthy.

In the local church in particular, having to play politics to win is a sure sign there’s sin.

When you do what you say you’re going to do the way you said you’re going to do it, you bring health to an organization.

In any organization, but in the local church in particular, having to play politics to win is a sure sign there’s sin.

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3. What gets said publicly is different from what’s happening privately

Another sign things are becoming toxic is when what gets said publicly is different than what happened privately.

When there’s spin on every issue and nothing can be said publicly without ‘agreeing’ on what gets said first, you’re in dangerous territory.

For sure, there are times where a situation is delicate and you will want to ‘agree’ on what gets said publicly to honour everyone involved, but in too many organizations few things that get done privately can be announced the same way publicly.

And to be sure…when you’re crafting any kind of a public statement, you want to pay attention to the words you use and perhaps even find agreement on them.

But the end product should never be the opposite or even different than what actually happened

I have good fortune of being part of several healthy organizations. I love it when people pull me aside and ask (in hushed tones), “So what’s the real story?” and I get to tell them “Actually, that is the real story.”

Living in that kind of culture really helps you sleep at night too.

You know your culture is toxic when there’s spin on every issue and nothing can be said publicly without ‘agreeing’ on what gets said first

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4. Conflict happens and is never addressed

Conflict is normal. You can’t have two people hang out for long without some differences arising.

Yet so many organizations are in perpetual fighting mode. Someone’s always at way with someone else.

Another reason churches fight regularly is because personal preferences have trumped organizational mission.

Left unattended, conflict can pit one selfish person or group against another.

A lot of bosses won’t address conflict or help resolve it in a healthy, direction and respectful way.

Unresolved or unhealthy conflict saps the strength out of most organizations.

If your organization is stagnant and in conflict, there should zero mystery as to why it isn’t growing.

If your organization is stagnant and in conflict, there should zero mystery as to why it isn’t growing.

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5. There’s an entrenched ‘us’ and ‘them’ mentality

Every organization should be a ‘we,’ not an ‘us’ and ‘them.’

Whether the ‘us’ and ‘them’ mentality exists between factions in your organization or between you and the outside forces, it’s always fatal to health and growth.

The job of a leader is to raise vision high enough and urgently enough for all of us to become bigger than any of us.

The job of a leader is to raise vision high enough and urgently enough for all of us to become bigger than any of us.

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6. No one takes responsibility

So who’s taking responsibility for moving the mission forward?

In unhealthy cultures the answers sound like this:

No one.

Someone.

Anybody but me.

As long as things are someone else’s responsibility, things will never get better.

Unhealthy leaders assign blame. Healthy leaders assume responsibility.

Unhealthy leaders assign blame. Healthy leaders assume responsibility.

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7. You can’t tell the truth

One sure sign a culture has gone toxic is when you feel you can’t tell the truth at work, so you go home ‘dump’ all the truth out on your spouse or best friend instead.

There’s only one problem with that: someone who doesn’t work where you work can’t solve your workplace issues.

But your boss can.

One of the best things you can do as a boss is to encourage your team to speak freely, to tell you the truth…without fear of consequences.

You won’t love everything you hear.

But if you thank them for the feedback, never penalize them for telling you the truth, and take action, you’ll love hearing about the things that are bothering them far more than you’ll love hearing that one of your top team members is leaving.

And, once you know what the real issues are, you can start to solve them.

Someone who doesn’t work where you work can’t solve your workplace issues.

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8. Everyone seems fine with good enough

Toxicity isn’t just about the presence of bad things. It’s also about the absence of great things.

Far too often in workplaces, people settle for good enough when it’s really not, well, good at all.

Toxicity isn’t just about the presence of bad things. It’s also about the absence of great things.

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High capacity leaders are repulsed by mediocrity. The best team members actually crave high levels of challenge and want things to be better, if not great.

Too many organizations allow what is good to stand in the way of what could be great. The surest way to ensure a mediocre future is to resign yourself to a mediocre present.

Too many organizations allow what is good to stand in the way of what could be great. The surest way to ensure a mediocre future is to resign yourself to a mediocre present.

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9. There’s very little gratitude

Most people want to know they’re making a difference. Very few bosses tell them they are.

Recognition and gratitude is a simple way to reduce employee turnover and absenteeism and raise employee engagement.

If your team doesn’t know whether they’re making a difference, they’ll be less motivated to make a difference.

If your team doesn’t know whether they’re making a difference, they’ll be less motivated to make a difference.

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10. Only the boss’ opinion matters

It’s amazing that so many leaders hire a team and never really listen to them.

That’s also one more sign of an unhealthy culture.

It’s easy to think that once you’ve become a leader or boss, it gives you the right to call the shots and make the team and organization bend to your wishes. But as Patrick Lencioni argues, that’s the opposite of true leadership.

As Andy Stanley says, leaders who refuse to listen will eventually be surrounded by people with nothing to say.

Leaders who refuse to listen will eventually be surrounded by people with nothing to say. @andystanley

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Get Your FREE Guide to Creating Better Cultural Value Statements

Want to improve your team culture?

Better team culture gets fueled by better value statements.

But how to do create them can be so complicated.

How:

Do you know which values to choose?
Do you avoid creating value statements people roll their eyes at or think are so obvious they mean nothing?
Can you be sure the values are accurate but still stretch you?

I spent years reading books and studying how to create value statements until I had a breakthrough on how to create cultural value statements that were both accurate and aspirational, and that the entire team embraced.

I’ve broken that process down into three simple steps that can get you improving your organization’s culture and values today.

You can get free instant access to The 3 Step Guide to Developing Better Value Statements here.

What Signs of Toxic Culture Would You Add?

This could have been a 41 point blog post, but I stopped at 10.

What signs of a toxic culture have you seen or experienced?

Scroll down and leave a comment.

The post 10 Signs Your Organization’s Culture is Toxic appeared first on CareyNieuwhof.com.

Source: 10 Signs Your Organization’s Culture is Toxic

The post 10 Signs Your Organization’s Culture is Toxic appeared first on Passion for Planting.

By: Brandon A. Cox

Source: In Conflict, Check Your Motives

The post In Conflict, Check Your Motives appeared first on Passion for Planting.

by Shawn Lovejoy: Has your team ever gotten along just enough to keep moving along? Conflict goes unresolved, under-performers skate by with no accountability, toxicity becomes the norm and morale is non-existent? Some organizations exist in that space. Having harmony on the exterior while tension exists just under the surface. Artificial harmony beneath the surface eventually leads to disunity at the surface. 

These are the moments when leaders lead. Leadership requires daily courageous conversations! Especially with people who aren’t getting the job done or don’t display the values to which we claim to hold.

As you wade into these conversations, I want to give you some “worst practices” to avoid at all costs.

Assigning Blame

So many leaders enter a coaching or corrective conversation ready to blame the other person. Rather than placing blame on the person you’re meeting with, level the playing field by starting the conversation with, “It could just be me, but…” before confronting the issue at hand. Avoiding accusation opens people up to receive development from you rather than being defensive towards you. Pre-deciding someone is to blame blocks you from being able hear that person’s side of the story. Besides, people who blame things rarely change things. Don’t assign blame, lead for change.

Texting Rather Than Talking

Tone, facial expressions, volume and posture often communicate deeper than words. Guess what, none of those things can be conveyed better than face-to-face. Too many leaders rely on text, direct messages or email to handle conflict. Almost every time you do this, your team reads your message through the lens of a worst case scenario. When it comes to quick relays of information or details, text and email work well. For a hard conversation, face-to-face is the only acceptable way to engage. Let me be clear, texting a hard conversation is the opposite of courageous and does more harm than good. 

Assuming the Worst

Most of us are overexposed to negativity. We’re almost hardwired to think the worst about a person or their motives before we know the truth. Discipline your emotions to assume the best about the team member you’re having a difficult conversation with. Assumptions influence outcomes. When you are intentional about searching for good in others, they can sense that and often respond accordingly. Entering these tough discussions by assuming the best also reshapes how you see people. When you look for the gold in people you don’t focus as much on the dirt.

When you handle conflict the right way, you bring peace to your team and life. Deal with these conversations using “worst practices” like this, and your result will be drama! Drama in your organization, on your team, in your relationships, in your leadership and in your life!

Conflict is inevitable; but Drama is a choice. Courageous conversations are one key to creating a drama-free organization…but it’s just one of the keys!

You’re invited to join me for a free training designed to help you “drama-proof” your culture. Join me on October 15th at 10amCST for “Creating a Drama Free Culture.” All you have to do is SIGN UP HERE!

sign up now!

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Source: The Wrong Way To Have Hard Conversations

The post The Wrong Way To Have Hard Conversations appeared first on Passion for Planting.

From Carey Nieuwhof: This is a guest blog post by Dillon Smith. Dillon is my content manager and is a member of my new Speaking Team. You can book Dillon to speak at your next event here.

By Dillon Smith

It’s true, I hate conflict. Maybe you do too.

Your heart rate rises, you get goosebumps, and you oftentimes want to say something you would later regret.

For those of you that don’t mind conflict, odds are, you work with many people who don’t like conflict. This post will give you a better idea of how their brains work, and how you can work with them in the future.

To give you some context on where I am coming from, here are my top 5 strengths on Strengthsfinder:

Restorative
Harmony
Connectedness
Belief
Includer

I am not wired for conflict.

So, why am I writing a blog post about how it fuels growth?

Because it does, I have been wrong about it for years, and I see many pastors and leaders that struggle with it in the same way I do.

My train of thought makes sense to me:

I don’t want to risk damaging a relationship for the sake of improvement.

That motivation feels right to relational leaders, but it is often the wrong move. And everyone in your church probably sees it.

If you want your church members, volunteers, and staff to grow, both in numbers and in maturity/discipleship, you need to embrace little moments of conflict.

If you want your church members, volunteers, and staff to grow, both in numbers and in maturity/discipleship, you need to embrace little moments of conflict. Click To Tweet

But Dillon, conflict in the church is bad, right?

Wrong. Not all conflict in the church is bad.

I totally agree that:

Nobody wins in an unhealthy church split.

Nobody wins a screaming match in the office.

Nobody wins when a church makes a decision to close its doors.

These are all disasters that are packed with division and conflict, but they can be avoided.

How do we avoid them?

I’ve had to learn that minor moments of healthy conflict help you avoid massive moments of division that lead to disaster.

Minor moments of healthy conflict help you avoid massive moments of division.Click To Tweet

It’s like a flu shot. You get a little bit of the disease (hard/uncomfortable conversations) that your body can handle so that you don’t end up getting the full-on flu (division and disaster) later.

The same thing happens in marriage. If you never talk about the things your spouse does that bother you, one day you end up blowing up at them, and you both leave that conversation hurt and angry.

Your blowup could have been avoided if you would have had a minor, difficult conversation about their habit earlier.

That earlier conversation is difficult, but not as difficult as the later conversations that are inevitable if you bottle it up.

We have to talk about small issues before they become big issues.

Your church is the same way. Minor moments of healthy conflict help you avoid massive moments of division.

We have to talk about small issues before they become big issues.Click To Tweet

Here are 4 forms of healthy conflict that will help your church grow:

1. Avoiding conflict is avoiding truth

Here is the problem with avoiding conflict as a Christian: Part of speaking the truth is inherently confrontational.

A church that doesn’t know what it’s against can never know what it’s for.

A church that doesn’t know what it’s against can never know what it’s for.Click To Tweet

It’s critical to know what you are for as an organization, but if you are fighting for something, that implies you are also fighting against something.

Your people need to know what they are fighting against. If you don’t define their enemy, they will.

There are a few things the church and its leaders need to be openly in conflict with at all times: Christians not acting like Jesus, anti-Christian teachings, and at the very base of it all, the gospel not being shared with more people.

We see just how quick we need to be to address these things in writings of the apostles John, Paul, and especially in the life of Jesus.

They were careful how they approached it, but they embraced conflict and stood up against the worldly tendencies seeping into the church.

We need to do the same.

As church leaders, we have to be ready to have:

Hard conversations with our members about the sin in their lives.

Hard conversations with those outside the church saying things like, “We all follow the same God right?”

Hard conversations about the importance of reaching more people with the gospel.

Your people need to know what they are fighting against. If you don’t define their enemy, they will.Click To Tweet

2. Conflict grows young leaders

People don’t grow until the pain associated with not growing is greater than the effort it will take to grow.

Read that again. (This is based on one of my favorite of Carey’s quotes.)

When I first started working for Carey, I had a ton of growth I needed to undergo in a short amount of time.

He knew that I would likely need to experience pain to grow, and he had to find a way to lead me into that.

As my boss and coach, he used strategic bits of manufactured pain and conflict so that I would become the leader I needed to be. I go into detail about what exactly he said in this post.

Because Carey cared about my development, he allowed me to undergo some short-term pain so I could experience growth that would benefit me the rest of my life.

As a leader, if you love your people and want to see them grow, you should do the same.

If you want 3 examples of good ways to coach your young leaders through pain, read this post.

People don’t grow until the pain associated with not growing is greater than the effort it will take to grow.Click To Tweet

3. Conflict lets you have the awkward conversations you’ve been avoiding

Imagine you have a volunteer that needs some coaching. Maybe they shake guests’ hands for just a little too long, or they don’t actually address first-time guests when they are greeting, or maybe they carry an odor that is a bit discomforting to anyone they serve coffee to.

You want to say something to them, but they are working for free so you don’t want to offend them and have them leave the church or stop volunteering, so you just don’t risk it.

This is a massive mistake.

What if you had a close friend with a similar issue?

Should you embrace the moment of conflict and tell them what they are doing wrong? Of course!

You would be a terrible friend if you didn’t tell them.

You are doing the same thing when you don’t call out your volunteers.

If you love your volunteers and the people they are serving, you will hold them accountable to doing their best. The only way to do that is to have hard conversations when necessary.

Obviously, be careful how you go about it, but if you are willing to have these conversations early, your volunteers will thank you and will stick around.

If you don’t do this, mediocrity takes over your organization, high capacity volunteers will stop volunteering, and first-time guests won’t come back.

Carey writes a bit more about keeping high capacity volunteers here. 

If you love your volunteers and the people they are serving, you will hold them accountable for doing their best.Click To Tweet

4. Conflict can remove the tension from your team

If you don’t address building tension in your organization, eventually it will address you, and it won’t be pretty.

If you don’t address building tension in your organization, eventually it will address you, and it won’t be pretty. Click To Tweet

No matter how healthy your organization is, staff members get hurt, and tensions grow.

It happens to you, too. One person questions your authority or gossips about you, and you are silently angry and bitter for the rest of the day.

Many leaders, including myself, push through the pain and act like it isn’t affecting them. But it is.

We tell ourselves that staying quiet is the strong thing to do.

But just pushing through and not dealing with pain from coworkers doesn’t result in a stronger leader or organization.

So what should we do?

When someone hurts us, go to them ASAP. Have a hard conversation. Don’t run from the hurt. Jesus didn’t, Paul didn’t, and neither should we.

When you set the tone for your team of embracing healthy conflict and requiring them to do the same, you create a culture where your team chooses the small pain in the moment rather than the catastrophic pain down the road.

Your decision to embrace conflict will change the entire trajectory of your staff and organization.

If you don’t already practice this, this is a change you need to make.

When someone hurts us, go to them ASAP. Have a hard conversation. Don’t run from the hurt. Jesus didn’t, Paul didn’t, and neither should we. Click To Tweet

Want 7 hard conversations to get you started?

Getting a stuck church growing or helping a church that’s reaching new people grow even further can seem daunting.

It doesn’t have to be.

Whether you’re a church that isn’t growing, has plateaued, or whether you wish your church was growing faster than it is, I’d love to help you break through. That’s why I created the Church Growth Masterclass.

The Church Growth Masterclass is everything I wish I knew about church growth when I got into ministry more than 20 years ago.

Naturally, I can’t make a church grow. You can’t make a church grow. Only God can do that.

But I believe you can position your church to grow.

You can knock down the barriers that keep you from growing. You can eliminate the things that keep your church from growing and implement some strategies that will help you reach far more people. That’s what I’d love to help you do in the Church Growth Masterclass.

In the Church Growth Masterclass I’ll show you:

The 10 reasons your church isn’t growing
Why even committed church-goers aren’t attending as often as before
How to tell if your church leaders are getting burned out
The 5 keys to your church better impacting millennials.
What to do when a church wants to grow … but not change
5 essentials for church growth
5 disruptive church trends to watch—and how to respond
How to increase church attendance by increasing engagement.

The Masterclass includes a complete set of videos that you can play with your team, board or staff, PDF workbooks that will help you tackle the issues you’re facing, and bonus materials that will help you navigate the most pressing issues facing churches that want to reach their cities today.

You can learn more and gain instant access to the course today.

What about you?

Do you have people on your team that dislike conflict? How can you help them?

I would love for you to leave a comment below, and share this post with them!

The post 4 ways conflict can help your church (and people) GROW appeared first on CareyNieuwhof.com.

Source: 4 ways conflict can help your church (and people) GROW

The post 4 ways conflict can help your church (and people) GROW appeared first on Passion for Planting.

Source: Pushing into Places of Conflict for the Good of the Kingdom

The post Pushing into Places of Conflict for the Good of the Kingdom appeared first on Passion for Planting.

by Jim Putman: I have a core belief that I think God calls all his followers to hold and that is Christ Centered Relationships. I believe that all my relationships need to be grounded in and centered on Christ and that I should be living out the fruit of the Spirit within them. This belief comes into play for you as the Disciple Maker and your relationships with the people you are discipling.

Conflict resolution is a tough but unavoidable part of relationships – if you are in a relationship that you are intentionally (or even unintentionally!) going deeper in, you will eventually have conflict within it.  Because.. well, people are people! Watch a couple of 2 year olds trying to play with the same toy and within seconds you will have conflict, tears, and possibly a tantrum.

Unfortunately that tendency doesn’t alway disappear with the onset of adulthood. People who are immature spiritually may look calm on the outside but are possibly going through the same kind of emotional storm as the 2 year old on the inside. And as adults we usually know how to effectively cause pain and division with an arsenal of words and attitude, without having to throw a single punch.

Satan loves this – he loves to separate us from each other and from God, and emotional conflict is a very effective means to that end. When we are in unity with others we are a much greater force against him than when we are isolated and straying from the pack.

3 Habits that help you hold a Helpful Discussion rather than a Hurtful Debate

1. De-escalate emotion:

Responding to someone while you are in the midst of emotion does not generally produce the outcome of agreement or unity in the relationship. Your feelings may cause you to speak louder and faster, you may come across as accusatory and combative, and these things can cause the other person’s emotions to raise in response.

Here are some things you can do to help reduce the emotions you are feeling and enable you to think clearly before speaking.

Pray. Pray for the other person, pray for yourself, pray that the Holy Spirit will be in the conversation.
Take a deep breath, give yourself a couple of minutes to think through your response.
Look objectively at the facts of the situation, rather than just your feelings.

“A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered” Proverbs 17:27

2. Show empathy/compassion

Stopping to make an effort to see value in the other person can have a dramatic change in your heart about the situation! It will help you to determine what outcome you would like to see from the interaction you are having. What equals a ‘win’ in God’s eyes? You being right or the relationship remaining intact?

Look at other person through eyes of Jesus.
Speak to them in a way you would like to be spoken to.
Listen to them for the purpose of understanding, not just to respond.

“..Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others too.” Phillippians 2: 3b-4

3. Avoid negative/combative behavior

Lastly, one of the most important parts of avoiding unhealthy conflict would be to avoid the type of behaviors listed below. These things are prone to bring out the worst response in people. It is hard not to want to defend yourself against someone who is armed for an attack.  The automatic response to these attitudes would be to attack, defend, and bring up their past behaviors. All of these things can lead to hurt feelings, anger, and separation of the relationship. We need to make an effort not to have these responses in ourselves, and the even tougher things, not respond in kind if they are used against us.

Don’t use criticism in your words, try to use ‘I’ statements rather than being accusatory.
Work to keep an attitude of defensiveness out of your voice and your body language.
Avoid bringing up past incidents/behavior – make a point of dealing with the present situation only.

“Instead we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” Ephesians 4:15

When we are spiritually mature we will be in relationship with God and others, and the relationship we have with God and others is also what helps us mature spiritually. It’s the circle of the life for a Disciple Maker!

Written by Jim Putman

This was originally posted on Jim Putman’s blog here. Used with permission.

Source: 3 Simple Habits That Keep A Discussion From Becoming A Debate

The post 3 Simple Habits That Keep A Discussion From Becoming A Debate appeared first on Passion for Planting.