Home > Blog > 6 Ways Pastors Struggle

6 Ways Pastors Struggle

By Ed Stetzer

When pastors go into ministry, we don’t leave behind all of the struggles that define the human reality in which we live. Like others, we struggle with any number of things each day—interpersonal relationships, our marriages, as parents, with our health, with our self image.

And for some pastors, our struggles can go in one of two directions—either we hide them and try to deal with them in isolation, or we openly share that we, like everyone else, have a lot on our minds.

The unfortunate reality is that too many of us choose the former option. This is not necessarily because we don’t want to share, but because we either don’t know how, or we don’t feel safe. It is not easy to preach a sermon on healthy marriages even as our own is hanging from a thread. Nor is it easy to talk about the impact of sin when we are wrestling ourselves with our own addiction to porn, alcohol, technology…you pick your poison.

As a pastor, let me share six unique ways that pastors struggle. My hope is that this short list will allow both leaders and their congregations the opportunity to begin to ask, “How can we change our situation?”

First, pastors struggle with identity.

Pastors generally have three identities they need to balance: their perceived religious identity, their cultural identity, and their own identity. I remember some years back going over to a neighbor’s house. We didn’t know them well, but they knew I was a pastor. When we first came over to their house, they said it was like Jesus was visiting the house.

Well, I assure you that there is a big difference between Jesus and me! Yet because of my religious identity, this was how they perceived me. It was as though I had some kind of spiritual perfection, which is daunting to try and live up to.

As pastors, we must remind people that we aren’t the people with all the answers—we are simply there to point people to the person who does have all the answers.

Tied into our religious identity is our cultural identity. Pastors are on display, living in a fishbowl which can show the good, the bad, and the ugly. You probably have two to three times the people who attend your church on a weekly basis who are aware of who you are and your church, and they are watching. You know that, and (if you have children) so do they.

Finally, there is our own identity—the person we really are when are alone and when we are with our family.

Second, pastors struggle with community.

How do you get into community with people who either put you too high on a pedestal or watch for your every fault and failure? It is critical to find people, hopefully in your church, hopefully involving your elders and leaders, with whom you can build healthy community.

Sometimes these people are outside of your church, and that’s okay. Sometimes this can be in a cohort of other pastors and leaders. Our accountability and community can also come from church structures like our boards or ecclesiastical structures.

Someone once asked me, “Are you fully disclosed to anyone? Is there anyone to whom you are fully disclosed, other than your wife? If you don’t have that, you probably don’t have that close-knit community.” I personally do have a couple people I am fully disclosed to and a group of people I consider close friends who speak into my life.

Pastoral ministry can sometimes elevate us out of community in a very unhelpful and unhealthy way. So we must be vigilant.

Third, pastors struggle with boundaries.

As pastors, we must remember that we cannot have a deep personal relationship with everyone in the church. We want to shepherd them to the degree that we can. If the church is larger, we will primarily shepherd them through the teaching on Sunday mornings. Or find other creative ways that fill us and utilize our gifts and passions.

But we need to have boundaries and know when to say yes and no. Many pastors feel they’ll be penalized if they say no to anything. We simply can’t say yes to everything. Last week, two students at Dallas Seminary came up to me with a very focused quesiton. They said, “We just got one question for you. How do you tell people that you can’t do things so that you can maintain the boundaries?”

I simply responded with, “I tell them the reason.” A lot of times I’ll say something like, “No, I’m so sorry. I made a commitment to Donna, my wife, that I’m going to be at this.” Or I’ll say, “This is actually the time when I’ve committed to my family.” Or I’ll often say, “I can’t do that and keep up with the other things that I know I have to do, and still be a good husband and a good father.”

Boundaries mean learning to say no. They also mean having healthy relationships. Not every relationship is a deep, abiding relationship.

Fourth, pastors struggle with accountability.

Accountability means different things to different people. If you’re a pastor or a church leader, you are not accountable to everybody. You’re not accountable to the internet. You’re not accountable to Twitter. You’re accountable to your elders.

You’re accountable, if you’re church has congregational polity, to your congregation. In a sense, whether your congregational or not, you’re accountable to your congregation. Where I work, I am accountable to my boss, Margaret Diddams, and to a board, and then to a sub-board. I’m accountable to President Phil Ryken. I’m also accountable to the places where I partner—Moody Radio, Highpoint Church.

I don’t just have accountability, I value it.

But here’s the thing: in an unhealthy world, you’re accountable to everyone. In a healthy world, you have true, submitted accountability to the right people. Again, in a church, if you’re a senior pastor, it is probably to a board and maybe ultimately to your church.

Believe it or not, there’s a real freedom in true accountability.

Fifth, pastors struggle psychologically.

According to a Lifeway Research study, 23 percent of pastors indicated that they had struggled psychologically with 12 percent of pastors saying it was diagnosed (the other 11 saying it was undiagnosed).

Here’s the challenge: you can’t talk about this in a lot of settings. I have a friend who actually lost a job because of mental illness, and he said, “I want to be able to come out of the medicine cabinet, the medicine closet.” There’s this sense that he can’t say, “You know what? I’m taking medication because of depression.”

This is one of the reasons that on Friday, December 6th, we will be gathering together Rick Warren, Ruth Haley Barton, Derwin Gray, a number of counselors, and many others to talk about depression, burnout, mental health issues, and more.

Phil Ryken, President of Wheaton College, is going to talk about how he struggled with suicidal ideation. Pastors struggle psychologically, and to acknowledge that makes a very important difference because that way we can find help and partners in the mental health community.

Finally, pastors struggle spiritually.

As pastors, it can be challenging to be seen and perceived as being the voice of God in a context. I don’t want people to see me that way. Instead, I want them to see me as someone who points to the person who has all the answers.

I, too, struggle spiritually. There are times I’m not faithful in the Word. There are times when I struggle with my prayer life. In those times, I need to share that with people to whom I’m accountable.

If you’re a pastor or a church leader, I want to encourage you to find boundaries, community, and accountability, and a mental health counselor if you need that. We all will struggle, but let’s struggle in accordance with the teachings of the Bible, in community, in accountability, seeking to grow spiritually so as to grow in our own discipleship and our own witness.

Home > Blog > The Unmet Emotional Needs of Pastors

The Unmet Emotional Needs of Pastors

By New Churches Team

It’s no secret that pastoring is a calling that comes with many demands—pressure to please everyone in the congregation, a burden to keep church finances healthy, and carrying the weight of church growth.

And while pastors work to meet these demands, many of their own needs—namely, emotional needs—go unmet.

A 2016 LifeWay Research study found that nearly half (48%) of current and former pastors said the demands of ministry often felt like more than they could handle.

But a closer look at the disparities between the responses of those who had left the pastorate and those who remained tell a hard-hitting story:

• 21% of current pastors vs. 49% of former pastors believed their church had unrealistic expectations.
• 35% of current pastors vs. 62% of former pastors reported feeling isolated.
• 89% of current pastors vs. 68% of former pastors felt free to say no to unrealistic expectations.
• 92% of current pastors vs. 61% of former pastors believed their congregation provides genuine encouragement to their family.

The pressures of unrealistic expectations, feelings of isolation, and lack of encouragement point to just a few of many pastors’ unmet emotional needs.

We recently reached out to several pastors with the open-ended question, “What are some unmet emotional needs you see in pastors? This could be for yourself or any other pastors you’ve known/observed.”

Here are some of the responses: 

1. Security

“They need to feel confident that their job is more than financial. Many pastors believe that if the tithes don’t increase, they’ll be fired. Most churches see decreasing tithes as a sign of God’s judgment against that pastor. It creates a mountain of stress and fear on the pastor that keeps him from doing outreach or missions or repairing a building at the church. If a pastor felt the emotional security that comes from a trusting congregation, he would have less stress and more confidence to lead as the Lord directs.”

2. Mentorship

“Having someone to look up to and model yourself after. Someone you can spend time with and not feel like you don’t have to be ‘on’ and potentially mobilize yourself on a moment’s notice to care for them.”

3. Empathy

“There is so much ‘Dear pastors …’ advice these days from people who don’t know what it is like to lead. I also think that as much as pastors need empathy in the way they lead, members need empathy for their pastors, who are often having to make hard decisions, to see a lot of humans suffering and sin up close and are in need of their own rest and sabbath and joy. “

4. Assurance of Adequacy

“Pastors are expected to live and lead by faith, not fear. While this is a fair expectation, the reality is that we do not always live up to that expectation—even from ourselves. We have bad days, even dark days, but the pressure to perform and produce does not go away on any day.”

“We fear failure in preaching because each Sunday we have an oral exam. We fear failure at home because our expectations are often unrealistic and unbiblical. We fear failure in private because our Boss is always watching us. We fear failure in public because our members are often watching us. We fear failure in front of our peers because we struggle with comparing and competing.”

“Pastors are not merely disciple-makers; we are disciples who need to be discipled and encouraged regularly, otherwise we will fall prey to our own fears.”

On Thursday, June 11 at 12 p.m. ET LifeWay President and CEO Ben Mandrell and The Emotionally Healthy Leader author Pete Scazzero will come together for “The Emotionally Healthy Pastor,” a free virtual event that will address emotional health issues and the current season that has taken a toll on many leaders. Register today.

Joy Allmond (@joyallmond) is managing editor of Facts & Trends.

Home > Blog > Staying Positive During Quarantine

Staying Positive During Quarantine

By Brad Hambrick

Let’s start by being honest. During a season of extended quarantine, it’s hard not to grow irritable, anxious, discouraged, and weary. There’s a bit of relief in just admitting, “I’m struggling,” and realizing you’re not alone. When you feel pressure to do as well as you imagine everyone else is doing, that only compounds the intensity of whatever unpleasant emotion(s) you’re prone to feel during quarantine.

Here’s the thing about a sour disposition: it’s contagious and it gathers momentum. If you have others in your home or apartment, your negative attitude is likely to spread. Also, as you feed your negative attitude with more “cognitive airtime,” it only gets heavier. So, while its natural to be struggling with our attitude right now, it’s not healthy. We can be honest about it (authentic) and make efforts to change (grow) at the same time.

So, let’s ask the question, “What section of Scripture captures the emotional experience we’re having right now?” I’ll propose that one excellent place to look is the exodus account. You may say, “This feels more like being a captive in Egypt.” I get your point and feel your pain. But I’m focusing on the emotional experience more than the physical experience.

What was the defining attribute of the emotional experience of God’s people during the exodus? Grumbling. If you read the books of Exodus and Numbers, you’ll notice that God’s people grumbled frequently. This seems to be one of the chief concerns God had about His people during this time.

Why is that? Was God the irritable parent who had been cooped up with His children too long and started sniping back, “Stop complaining! If I hear one more negative word, you don’t want to know what I’ll do!”? While that’s humorous to consider, I don’t think its accurate.

Let’s think about what grumbling does. Grumbling does three things:

1. Grumbling fixates on something bad (cognitive focus).
2. Grumbling believes that this bad thing is the most important thing about life (emotional impact).
3. Grumbling talks about the bad thing frequently (interpersonal effect).

Let’s look at one example of what God’s people grumbled about during their exodus journey.

“Now the rabble that was among them had a strong craving. And the people of Israel also wept again and said, ‘Oh that we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt that cost nothing, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic. But now our strength is dried up, and there is nothing at all but this manna to look at.’” Numbers 11:4-6

Do you miss getting to go out to eat? Me too.

God’s people had better food options in Egypt. Food was easier to come by. Their spice cabinet allowed them to make the food tastier.  On their journey from slavery in Egypt to freedom in the Promised Land they grew weary of eating manna three meals a day.

Now we begin to see the problem with grumbling. Grumbling reduces life to a sound bite and focuses that soundbite on the worst parts of life. So, what is the alternative to grumbling? I would suggest it is encouragement. Let’s contrast the three things that encouragement does with grumbling.

1. Encouragement focuses on good things within the hard.
2. Encouragement believes that the good things God has done and is doing are most important.
3. Encouragement talks about the good things frequently.

On their exodus journey the cognitive airtime God’s people gave to grumbling consumed their opportunity to consider, “Well, the menu may be monotonous, but we’re free and going to better place. The journey is hard, but I trust the God who freed us from Egypt to get us to the destination.”

Notice that healthy encouragement is not all positive. Fake-happy is just pretending and people who relate that way are annoying (maybe, I’m getting grumpy as I type). Encouragement can acknowledge a monotonous menu and the difficultly of the journey. It just doesn’t declare them most important. Don’t pretend that hard things aren’t hard. Just don’t let hard things be the defining thing about your day.

Now we can see that encouragement is both healthier and holier than grumbling. The health benefits of a positive attitude which focuses on the blessings of life are bountiful. According to WebMD they include better physical health, greater resistance to illness (seems important right now), lower blood pressure, better stress management, better pain tolerance, more creativity, greater problem-solving skill, clearer thinking, better mood, better coping skills, and less depression. Sign me up!

But healthiness and holiness are not the same thing. Healthiness is doing what is best for us (actions) because we want a better life (motive). Because God loves us, His ways are healthy; in the same way that a loving parent’s expectations for their child will result in a flourishing life. But there were plenty of good things our parents wanted us to do that we just got tired of and chose to do our own thing.

Holiness is doing what honors God (actions) because we love him (motive). A desire for holiness is what sustains our morale when we’d rather just quit or don’t care anymore. Think of the parents who get up at all hours of the night to care for a crying infant. Do they feel like it? No. But love compels them. Love calls them beyond their self-centeredness (i.e., “I just want some sleep”). Without a desire for holiness, pursuing healthiness – focusing on encouragement over grumbling – in hard times is just good intentions.

So, I ask an important question: do you have the kind of relationship with God that compels you to pursue following God’s teaching because you love Him, not just because it works? Here are some questions, with key passages of Scripture, to help you make this assessment.

1. Do you recognize that we live in a broken world where things like pandemics happen (Romans 8:22-23)? During a global crisis, we can shout “Amen!” to verses like these.
2. Have you seen that the brokenness of the world is present in you (Romans 3:23)? The problem isn’t just “out there.” Doubtless you’ve gotten to know your own sinfulness more acutely in recent weeks. Quarantine didn’t create our sinfulness. It only reveals it.
3. Have you recognized that sin is not something we can will away (Romans 5:6)? Sin is not a problem we can just “try harder” and make it go away. We were born with a self-centered nature.
4. Have you accepted that God sent Jesus to live the life we should have lived and pay the price our sin deserved(Romans 10:9-10)? Accurate ideas about God don’t save you. A restored relationship with God by placing your faith in what Christ did on your behalf saves you. It is one thing to know that God is available. It is another thing to embrace God’s offer.
5. Does this forgiveness and hope change how you respond to temporal difficulties (Romans 8:38-39)? After we place our faith in Christ, hard things don’t cease to exist. They just become incapable of separating us from what is most important.

The gospel is the only foundation for ultimate encouragement. If you don’t have ultimate encouragement, then any attempt to remedy the unpleasant emotions you feel come across as “going to your happy place” or “counting to 10.” Admit it, that’s what you thought this article would say and were ready to dismiss as trite and cliché.

But what about temporal encouragement? Ultimate encouragement without temporal encouragement feels like “just wait for heaven” kind of advice. That’s like saving all your money for retirement and being miserable until you get there. It doesn’t seem very satisfying. God cares about you here and now.

For growing in temporal encouragement, consider Philippians 4:8-9.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

This was Paul’s instruction to an early church on how to endure hard times. He wrote those words from prison and was well-acquainted with hard times (II Corinthians 11:23-28), so he was applying these words as he penned them. My suggestion is that you use it as a scavenger hunt during your day. Paul says, “Think about these things.” Well, when your day is monotonous, that means you must, “Look for these things,” because your mind isn’t going to drift in an encouraging direction.

• Just – Where do you see people going out of their way to make wrong things right and hard things better? Search for examples. Share them via social media. Cultivate encouraging conversations around them. You don’t just encourage yourself when you do this, you spark creativity about how we can be salt and light during a dark time (Matthew 5:13-16).
• Pure – Where do you see honesty, integrity, or vulnerability? It may be in a friend who confides their emotional struggles. Affirm their courage to not “taint” the truth to try to appear more together than they feel.
• Lovely – Where do you see people using their talent to make uplifting music, writing, or art to encourage others? Share that. Beauty reminds us the best things in life and pulls out of dark thoughts. Watch a sunset. Walk in a forest and marvel at nature.
• Commendable – What are simple acts of virtue and maturity you see in the people in your home? Affirm those things as evidence of God’s grace in their life. Seize every opportunity to encourage them. Go out of your way to catch people doing something right.
• Excellent – Who is using this extra time of quarantine to make a good thing great? Affirm the quality of their work. Consider what you can take from good to great during this time and enjoy the process. This is a way to give meaning to monotony.
• Worthy of Praise – Find ways to encourage any healthcare workers and workers in businesses (i.e., groceries, pharmacies, etc.) you know for the sacrifices they are currently making. Invite others to participate in these efforts in appropriate ways.

Notice what Paul tied these things to – the readers’ observations and experience with him. Paul lived his life to be an example of encouragement during hard times for others. He probably picked the habit up from his good friend Barnabas who mentored him in the early years after he became a Christian (Acts 4:36).

Remember, that these temporal encouragements are merely “thought diversions” without the ultimate hope of Christ. With Christ, however, we don’t have to feel like the orchestra playing beautiful music on the sinking Titanic. With the foundation of ultimate hope, encouragement mirrors grumbling in another way: it’s contagious and it gathers momentum. During this hard season of quarantine be an agent of spreading both ultimate and temporal encouragement to counter the negative momentum that is so pervasive in times like these.