By Kandi Gallaty: I will never forget that night at the mall. My husband, Robby, and I had just finished dinner and were headed shopping to look for jeans. He came out of the dressing room and said he wasn’t feeling well. He was light-headed, pale, and didn’t feel right. I encouraged him to sit down and drink a Coke®, thinking it might have been his blood sugar. After a few minutes, he felt better, so we left and went home. Little did we know, this was the start of a long and painful journey with anxiety.

After that night, Robby began to experience these episodes often. We didn’t understand what was going on. He visited multiple doctors to determine the reason for his problems. His symptoms were always the same: he felt like he was going to pass out and needed to get out of the room or building we were in, even when he was in the middle of preaching on Sunday mornings. Naturally, he wanted to stay home more and not leave the house. Since I was unaware of what was happening, I would encourage him to get out of the house; I was afraid of him becoming a recluse.

As the episodes got worse, our doctor suggested Robby wear a holter monitor for forty-eight hours. This led to the discovery of his heart rate occasionally dropping to eighteen beats per minute. The doctor was afraid one of the leads had come out of his monitor. Unfortunately, a faulty lead wasn’t the issue, and the following day, he was admitted to the hospital to receive a pacemaker. He was thirty-five years old. We hoped all of his problems were solved.

However, after he came home from the hospital, the episodes still occurred. After much researching and seeing different specialists, we determined his problem was anxiety resulting from stress and burnout.

Robby was finishing his dissertation, traveling to preach, raising two little boys, getting acclimated to a new city and church, graduating with his PhD program, and writing multiple books over a few years. No wonder he was experiencing anxiety. The poor man was an Energizer Bunny® for years, and now when life was supposed to slow down and resemble some normalcy, he bottomed out.

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The immediate solution was medicine, which was a lifesaver. Here is the fact of the matter. You can read your Bible every day. You can foster a vibrant prayer life. You can lead a booming ministry and growing church. You can be plugged in to your community, doing all the “right” things, and still experience anxiety. Often it is our body telling us something is not right.

Our job is to listen and address it, not ignore or neglect it.

There are times when our health is taken entirely out of our hands, and we can’t do anything about it. But other times, we can be proactive. It may require medicine, counseling, and making changes to our lives to be as healthy as we can be.

If you have never experienced recurrent anxiety, it can be hard to relate to someone who is going through it. In my mind, he could just push through it. He could just overcome it. But that isn’t often the case. The irony is that after years of helping Robby adjust to his own battle with anxiety, I had my own struggle with it.

I can honestly say it was one of the worst seasons of my life. I was able to identify it early on after walking with Robby through his struggles. I could totally relate and understand what had happened to him.

The best way I could help both of us was to help us both establish a slowed-down spirituality. We drastically trimmed his schedule for a bit, stripping away everything that wasn’t a priority. We implemented weekly sabbaticals and daily resets. We ensured we truly took a rest day.

A question we ask often is, “At the end of the day, what is the Lord holding me accountable to?” Asking yourself this question may help you—or your spouse—dull the ache anxiety leaves in your life, mind, and body.

Be intentional about making time to check in.

When you start to feel better, it can be easy to forget and fall back into some old patterns of doing too much, being too busy, and taking on too much. It’s an ongoing task to monitor and keep these things in check and balance, but Robby and I work together to manage our schedules. We have a team that helps decide outside events or functions that we are asked to participate in. The kicker is we don’t get to vote on our own events. For example, if a request comes in for Robby to speak at an event, it gets sent to a team of six people (I am one of them). We all vote yes or no, and he doesn’t get to vote until it passes through the other team members. The decision is based on certain criteria: events already on the calendar, location, the length and size of the event, and the distance to travel.

We already have a completely full schedule with pastoral duties and parenting responsibilities without adding anything from the outside, so we must be good stewards of our time. Robby tries to be intentional to Sabbath once a week. He takes a break from his phone and technology, which would typically consume his time. He attempts to work from rest and not work for rest. If there is an emergency, his staff knows how to get ahold of me. I told Robby for years to put the phone down, but it never worked. As soon as the Lord spoke to him, he obeyed. I should have just committed it to prayer long ago.

The greatest thing to do as a spouse of someone who experiences anxiety is to support and work to figure out what needs to be done to live a healthy life. Spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental health all blend together. Time with the Lord should not be neglected but should be held to the highest priority. Diet and exercise, as well as getting enough sleep at night, are all extremely important. Counseling or coaching is sometimes necessary to experience well-being.

My challenge for you is to pursue support if you’re presently struggling. Do not neglect getting help for you or your spouse if you need it. I would venture to say we all want longevity in life and in ministry, so let us be good stewards of that which the Lord has given us. Soul-care is never selfish, but always strategic. If we neglect this, everyone in our life suffers. However, if we prioritize our ministry to ourselves, everyone in our lives will benefit.

By Kandi Gallaty

Originally posted on Replicate’s blog here. Used by permission.

The post How to Support Your Spouse Experiencing Anxiety appeared first on Discipleship.org.

Source: How to Support Your Spouse Experiencing Anxiety

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by Shawn Lovejoy: We are not wired to function without rest.

Take a moment and personalize that.

YOU are not wired to function without rest.

This is true on a base human level, but it is a good lesson for leaders as well. “Burning the midnight oil” is a great metaphor, but does not make a leader effective over the long haul.

Leaders need rest.

You need rest.

Here are 4 reasons why.

You need rest because…

Tired eyes rarely see a bright future.

Leaders are dealers of hope. Inspiring others to better days is our core task. Exhaustion causes us to see the future dimly. It is impossible to inspire when we feel stuck in the mire. Rest removes us from the pressure of the urgent to see the possibilities of the future. Those you lead are struggling to see past the immediacy of their own moment. They need you engaged in the potential of what lies ahead.

When fatigue walks in faith walks out.

Leadership is hard. At the core of a great cause is the belief that what you are doing will work. A lack of rest robs us of the strength to hold on to that belief. It is ok to get tired, but it is not ok to stay tired. You have to lead yourself enough to recognize when you need to hit pause. One indicator is when you begin to see things through the dark veil of fear. Rest renews faith.

Exhaustion makes mountains seem taller and valleys seem lower.

When a leader is tired what once looked like a challenge morphs into an impossibility. Leaders tackle big mountains and persevere through dark valleys. Perspective helps keep leaders balanced during turbulent times. Rest is the key that unlocks perspective.

Decisions when you’re worn out result in potential fall out.

I heard someone say, “Don’t make a big decision when you’re tired.” Instead of pressing through and forcing decisions it is often best to wait. If I face a major decision while I feel pressured or tired, I make the decision to wait!  When you are exhausted being decisive can become divisive. Wait, rest, then decide.

Your next leadership breakthrough may come on the other side of a nap!

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Source: 4 Reasons Leaders Need Rest

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by Carey Nieuwhof: You’re probably feeling a little tired.

And if that’s the case, you’re not alone. Exhaustion, anxiety and stress seems to be a growing problem in leadership.

Recently, a planned sabbatical made headlines when mega-church pastor Howard-John Wesley stood before 4500 worshippers in early December and told them he was tired and taking a Sabbatical.

“I am tired in my soul,” Wesley said, among many other things he shared.

There was no scandal, no moral failure…just fatigue—a soul-weariness that most of us who have led for more than a few minutes know all too well. (The full message is a great listen for any leader struggling with fatigue…and the message is better than the articles that summarize it. Howard-John is nuanced, thoughtful and very real. Listen here.)

What encouraged me so much about Wesley was his decision to take a break before something bad happened—or at least something worse than the fatigue and frustration he confessed to. As he said in the message, he’s not burned out. He’s coming back. But he’s tired.

When you peel behind the headlines of mega-church pastor failures, business leaders who get fired, the resignations of politicians and even implosion of athletes, one common theme is that many of them were tired…dead tired. (I offer some thoughts on why mega-church pastors keep failing in this post.)

Run on empty for long, and it’s almost inevitable that you end up doing something you (and many others) will regret for a long time.

So—now the big question— why is leadership so exhausting?

Here are 5 reasons I’ve seen in my own leadership and life.

1. Your Ratio of Output to Input Is Skewed

One of the chief roles of leadership is to produce. Think about it.

As a leader, you’re responsible for:

results

content

the team

wins

changed lives

progress

widgets

financials

And that’s just a partial list.

All of which means your job as a leader is to create outputs.

But like a bank account, outputs have to be at least matched, if not exceeded, by inputs. Otherwise, you go bankrupt.

If you were to look at your life right now, what’s your ratio of output to input? My guests for most leaders it’s running 5:1. Or maybe 10:1.

That’s a problem.

Inputs for leaders include rest, learning, growth, life-giving relationships, spiritual development, healthy eating, exercise, training, outside ideas, hobbies and…(remember this?)…fun.

If your output consistently exceeds your input as a leader, you’re on the road to bankruptcy.

If your output consistently exceeds your input as a leader, you’re on the road to bankruptcy. Click To Tweet

2. You’re Never Really Off

Technology has changed so much in the last decade.

Because of the pressures of leadership, leaders have always had a hard time being ‘off’. There’s always more to be done.

But smartphones and the proliferation of inboxes on every single social platform, and ‘advances’ like Slack, email, text messaging and plain old voicemail means a leader is never really off.

You used to go to work, now, thanks to technology, work goes to you…and never leaves you.

It might be easy to think you’re just taking 5 minutes out of your family’s Disney+ movie night, but every interaction takes its toll.

I have friends in medicine who are on call all the time. They tell me they never sleep the same knowing they could be called. Even if they happen to make it through the night without a call, they still don’t wake up as rested.

These days, that’s pretty much all of us.

You used to go to work, now, thanks to technology, work goes to you…and never leaves you.Click To Tweet

3. And You’re Never Really On

In the same way work follows you everywhere you go via your pocket or purse, your life now follows you to work.

Not only are you tired from not enough sleep, and stressed from working a bit the night before, but now your whole life is accessible at work. You can book dinner reservations, text your family, check your personal social media accounts and so much more.

As a result, it’s harder to focus at work and stay productive.

You’re never really on, and you’re never really off. You just live in a perpetual grey zone.

Because of technology, you’re never really on, and you’re never really off. You just live in a perpetual grey zone. Click To Tweet

4. There’s No Finish Line

Even if you’re never really on and never really off, there’s an even bigger question: when are you done leading?

Correct. Never.

The blessing and curse of leadership is that there’s always more: more people to serve, people to reach or clients to acquire.

And then there’s better.

One of the things that drives most leaders is the desire to improve. Which is awesome, and often very needed.

But eventually, excellent brings diminishing returns. If your work amounts to, say, an 8.5 out of 10, for example, making it a 9.5 might take you hours, or days, or even thousands (or hundreds of thousands of dollars). And for what?

When something that might requires double the effort or dollars only produces 10% more, you have to question the return on investment. Especially when, in all likelihood, 10% more effort in another area might produce 30% greater results.

Unaware of the diminishing returns, most leaders keep pushing for no real reason.

And here’s the sobering reality: if you don’t declare a finish line, your body will.

If you don’t declare a finish line, your body will. Click To Tweet

5. Rest looks like weakness 

For a lot of us in leadership, rest either looks like weakness or unfaithfulness.

It’s actually just the opposite.

Elite athletes know that recovery is key to performance. Without sleep, nutrition and rest, your body just can’t perform at top levels.

Neither can you.

I still find it hard to be still, because rest looks like unproductive time to me. And deep down, I fear underneath that is laziness.

Most driven, tired leaders I know are anything but lazy. Laziness is resting when you’re not tired. Resting when you’re tired and building in recovery days and even seasons can be the difference between you leading for years or leading well for decades.

Rest isn’t weakness. A rested you is a better you and a sharper you.

Rest isn’t weakness. A rested you is a better you and a sharper you. Click To Tweet

Two Ways To Beat the Fatigue

Beyond the obvious “get some rest”, what can you do to defeat your fatigue? I’m literally writing a book on this right now, but here are two ideas that can help right now.

First, monitor your ratio of output to input. If you’re consistently putting out more than you’re taking in (as covered in Point 1), then adjust the ratio.

Reduce output voluntarily before exhaustion and burnout reduces your output involuntarily.

Second, be radically proactive about self-care. 

A decade ago, John Piper (a pastor of a large church with a global ministry) took a pro-active leave , and was exceptionally candid about some of the problems that were surfacing him that he wanted to address and work on.

In Piper’s case, there was no presenting ‘crisis’, but he felt one brewing.

In Piper’s own words:

I asked the elders to consider this leave because of a growing sense that my soul, my marriage, my family, and my ministry-pattern need a reality check from the Holy Spirit. On the one hand, I love my Lord, my wife, my five children and their families first and foremost; and I love my work of preaching and writing and leading Bethlehem. I hope the Lord gives me at least five more years as the pastor for preaching and vision at Bethlehem.

But on the other hand, I see several species of pride in my soul that, while they may not rise to the level of disqualifying me for ministry, grieve me, and have taken a toll on my relationship with Noël and others who are dear to me. How do I apologize to you, not for a specific deed, but for ongoing character flaws, and their effects on everybody? I’ll say it now, and no doubt will say it again, I’m sorry. Since I don’t have just one deed to point to, I simply ask for a spirit of forgiveness; and I give you as much assurance as I can that I am not making peace, but war, with my own sins.

Wise. Wise, wise, wise. Very wise.

If you start getting healthy before there’s a crisis, you’ll have fewer crises.

If you start getting healthy before there’s a crisis, you’ll have fewer crises. Click To Tweet

READY TO GET HEALTHIER?

Exhausted thinking about how much work is ahead of you?

Good news. A small investment will pay huge dividends in getting you healthier and freeing up time to make your organization healthier.

I’d love to help you do that.

I’ve helped over 3000 leaders free up hundreds of hours each year and often 3 hours a day to do what they feel they never have time for and get healthier in the process.

My High Impact Leader course, is my online, on-demand course designed to help you get time, energy and priorities working in your favour.

It’s perfect for leaders who feel like they never have enough time in the day to get the really important things done.

Many leaders who have taken it are recovering 3 productive hours a day.  That’s about 1000 hours of found time each year. That’s a lot of time for what matters most.

Here are what some alumni are saying about The High Impact Leader Course”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing the course again. It has absolutely made an impact in my life and family already that I can’t even describe.” – Joel Rowland, Clayton County, North Carolina

“Just wow.  Thank you, thank you.” Dave Campbell,  Sioux Falls South Dakota

“A game-changer.” Pam Perkins,  Colorado Springs, Colorado

Curious? Want to beat overwhelm and have the time to reflect, rest and reinvent yourself?

Click here to learn more or get instant access.

What Are You Sensing?

So, what do you think contributes to the exhaustion so many leaders feel?

And how are you learning to prevent it?

Scroll down and leave a comment!

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Source: Why Leadership Is So Exhausting—And What to Do About It

The post Why Leadership Is So Exhausting—And What to Do About It appeared first on Passion for Planting.