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How to be a Good Friend During the COVID Crisis

Sean Cronin — Tue, 14 Apr 2020 09:00:29 +0000

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How to be a Good Friend During the COVID Crisis

By Brad Hambrick

As a result of the Coronavirus pandemic, we are going to experience an increased number of situational and emotional crises in the weeks and months ahead. Isolation, economic repercussions, mental health deterioration, and many other factors mean there will be more “red flag” situations in our lives and the lives of our friends.

The focus of this article is how to be a good friend when someone you care about is experiencing a situational or emotional crisis. Implied in this objective is the presupposition that being a friend is different from being a police officer, counselor, social worker, or EMT. We are grateful for all those professions. Any one of these may be helpful to our friend in need. But our role, as a friend, is different from what each of these individuals do. If we are going to be a good friend, we need to both remember this and be content with it.

Now, let’s look at five ways to be a good friend during the COVID crisis.

First, be connected enough to know of the crisis.

One of the great things about friendship is that it is pre-existing relationships. Friends don’t need to “take a history.” A friend is aware of the things that are most important to us and how we respond to hard times. A friend knows our job and common stressors. Being a good friend gives us the kind of awareness that allows us to have a sense for what could be upsetting before things get “that bad.”

Being a friend gives us permission to ask, “How are things going?” without our friend having to fill out intake forms or schedule an appointment. As a friend, we don’t need a reason to check in. During a time of social crisis, we should check on our friends. During quarantine, we have time to do so.

Make a list of the people you should call. Instead of scrolling through Instagram, scroll through the contacts on your phone and make sure you haven’t neglected someone you should touch base with. Crises that come to light because they crash are the messiest and most complex. Checking in allows an emerging crisis to be disclosed instead of staying hidden until it erupts.

Second, ask intentional questions.

Don’t start a non-crisis call as a crisis call. A generic, “How are you doing?” and “What have you found to entertain yourself with?” is fine. Catch up as you normally would. You’re calling a friend, after all, you know what you normally talk about. Do that and enjoy it.

But during the conversation, be sure to ask a few intentional questions that show a greater depth of concern.

How can I be praying for you?
What things are hardest for you?
What do you anticipate being hardest if this lasts longer?
How have you been affected by the changes?
What has made you afraid, angry, or sad about all that is going on?

Intentional questions are an invitation. When something is bothering us and we’re talking to a friend, most of us wonder, “Do they have time for me to talk-talk right now? Are they open to me bringing this up? Is this a good time?” An intentional question followed by a patient, compassionate pause says, “Yes.”

If your friend begins to share something weighty, just listen. Recognize there is great value in getting the thoughts outside of their own head. Not being alone with the concern is a significant form of relief.

Third, stay in the role of friend.

When listening we may begin to feel the pressure to be more than a friend. This is the point where the tide turns in our own soul, we start to feel overwhelmed, and we are prone to succumb to all-or-nothing thinking. “Either I need to be able to make this all better or I need to stifle the conversation and not resume it.”

What does a friend do?

Empathize: Our friend should feel that what impacts them, impacts us (Romans 12:15). We help stabilize by responding with comparable emotions at a lower decibel level. Empathy says, “You’re not alone in this.”
Support: We assist in the ways that we can. The nature of the crisis will impact the type of care. The level of support would be captured in the words “assist” or “offset” rather than “remedy” or “resolve.” Friends lighten the load rather than taking the full load on themselves.
Share Perspective: During a crisis, the problem seems huge and everything else seems tiny. A friend can be close enough to the storm to hear the thunder but have the objectivity to help us be more proportional in our response.
Affirm: Your friend is showing the courage of vulnerability by talking to you. Affirm this. In a crisis, we often wonder if we are doing anything right. Your words of affirmation help offset these fears.

At this point, it is helpful to remember that no friend (singular) is the church (plural). Part of being a friend is being “one of many.” If your friend tries to isolate you with their problem, that is a red flag. They are asking you to be more than a friend. They are asking you to be the church and possibly more than that (see the next point).

Ask another intentional question if the crisis doesn’t alleviate through listening and being a supportive friend, “Who else can we involve to build a care team and ensure that you have the guidance that you need?” As a friend, you likely know other close friends, small group members, or pastors to suggest. If your friend wants something more private or needs expert guidance, consider the fourth point.

Fourth, encourage connection with the relevant professional.

One way you remain in the friend role is to encourage your friend to connect with relevant professionals who fill a “more than a friend” role. A dentist who gives advice about stomach ulcers is not being a “really good dentist” for being willing to be “more than a dentist.” The same is true for us as friends.

If your friend is experiencing abuse, call the relevant hotline with them and support them through the call.
- Domestic Violence: 1-800-799-7233
- Child Abuse: Your local Child Protective Service (CPS)
- Sexual Abuse: 1-800-656-4673
If your friend is facing a financial crisis, offer to walk with them through the process of getting unemployment benefits and consulting with a financial coach.
If your friend is experiencing an inability to regulate their emotions, encourage them to talk with a counselor. Offer to be an advocate in counseling if that would be helpful.

The point is, you are a “good friend” by being “just a friend” and not allowing yourself to be pressured into being “more than a friend.” If you need help identifying the signs that you are moving into a “more than a friend” role, here is a resource to help. If you need help identifying a life struggle is more severe than friendship-care alone is likely to be helpful, here is a resource to help.

Fifth, continue in the friendship role of character formation and support.

It is often when we need to make a recommendation to pursue a professional helper, that we back away as friends. Benefiting from a professional doesn’t mean that we need friends any less.

What does that mean functionally? It means you continue to listen and pray for your friend, while possibly, beginning a study together to look at the character formation element of their life struggle. Examples of this kind of study might include:

Don’t let the crisis be the exclusive focus of your interactions. If you study and discuss a segment per week, this will allow you to stay up to speed on how they’re doing, get an update on what they’re learning from the relevant professional, and allow you to pray for them. It will show that you were willing to be a good friend even when you insisted on not being “more than a friend.”

Conclusion

These are hard times. We are going to need good friends during these times more than ever. It would be easy for the emotional complexities of the crises we’re facing to cause us to either shy away from getting involved or get caught in an enmesh-and-abandon pattern of relating (that is, getting over involved, then getting overwhelmed, and ending the relationship). I hope this article provides guidance on how we can be good friends to one another amid uncertain times.

Source: How to be a Good Friend During the COVID Crisis

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5 Needs Guests are Attempting to Meet When They Come to Your Church

Sean Cronin — Wed, 12 Jun 2019 09:00:30 +0000

by unSeminary: Why do people come to church?

When you think about it from a broader, cultural context, it’s sort of an unusual behavior. Especially when it seems like the new studies on church attendance that come out every week all point to the national decline in church attendance.

Still, in spite of the statistics, I have regular conversations with church leaders who see new first-time guests every week. In fact, I hear from church leaders on a regular basis that they’re consistently seeing unchurched people come to church for the very first time or returning to church for the first time in decades.

But why?

In an age when attending church is becoming a fringe behavior in our culture, why do people decide to attend?

A recent Pew Forum research study explored the reasons why people attend church on a regular basis. [ref] The results also provide some insight into why guests come to your church. It’s important for us to understand these internal motivations so we can design experiences that will ultimately connect with the broader culture. If you’re a church leader who’s investing time in reading this article, then I imagine you want to see the message of Jesus impact your community.

While we don’t necessarily want to build a ministry program solely based on the reasons that people visit churches, we do need to be aware of those motivations as we design the experiences our churches provide. Here are five needs that people are attempting to meet when they come to your church:

Exploring their faith

It might seem obvious, but when people arrive at your church, they are there because of spiritual questions.

There can be a cheap “straw man argument” that some churches attempt to scratch people’s ears by simply offering pop psychology or hosting some kind of Tony-Robbins-like motivational talk to get people to attend. However, we’re finding that this is just not the case when you actually listen to what growing churches talk about on any given weekend.

It goes without saying that people come to your church because they want to grow in their faith; the important nuance to remember is that they’re arriving with questions about their faith. For some reason, there’s something about what you do at your church that they want to understand and possibly connect with. First-time guests want to learn how your community and your approach might connect with what they believe. They’re wondering if the experience of coming to your church can help them grow. There’s a lot of evidence to show that at the core of growing, thriving churches is teaching that does two things:

Connects with Scripture // In a related study, Gallup found that the kind of teaching people look for in church is teaching related to Scripture. People are looking for a transcendent connection to an ancient text. [ref]Teaching that’s relevant to their life // People are asking, “How do I apply this lesson to my life on Monday morning?” They aren’t looking to acquire trivia or learn how to say fancy Greek words—they want to know what difference the text will make in their lives as they go about daily life.

Raising their kids

Raising children is one of the most universal human experiences.

In fact, 89% of all adults will be a parent at some point in their lives. [ref] It’s one of the most common yet difficult life experiences that humans wrestle with. It turns out that a part of the reason why people come to church is because they look at the children they have been charged with raising, wonder what it takes to raise a well-rounded adult, and come to an instinctive conclusion that faith is a part of the equation.

Thriving and impactful churches that understand this implicit human need should go out of their way not just to provide a children’s ministry but also to equip those that raise children. One of the simplest ways that most churches could connect with the needs of their community is by doubling down on their investment in the next generation.

Healing their wounds

People come to God in times of personal crisis. [ref]

This pattern emerges time and again when you talk to people who come to your church for the first time and share why they decided to visit. Often, they find themselves dealing with major life transitions, anything from moving to a new town to starting a new job or becoming a parent for the first time. They could very well be experiencing marital stress or some kind of self-realization around hurt from years ago.

Is your church positioning itself to help people with the habits, hurts, and hang-ups that they bring to the table? We all experience different levels of pain in different seasons of our lives, but if we consistently ignore the pain that people bring, our church won’t be the kind of church that thrives and grows.

Improving themselves

People want to be better.

They’re looking to improve the way they interact with the world around them. They’re looking for support and guidance in becoming kinder, gentler people who make a difference in the lives of others. There’s this weird paradox within our society that pushes us towards a self-centered approach to life, but humans have an intrinsic understanding that the way to a fulfilling life is through caring for other people.

People come to your church because they want to help others. This is critically important, particularly as we see increasingly effective churches find ways to get people out of their seats and into the streets to make a difference in their communities. This is a need that people have, and fulfilling that need is one way to connect with your broader community.

Expanding their friendships

People are experiencing loneliness at epidemic levels. More than twice as many people self-identify as lonely than a generation ago. [ref]

People do lie awake at night and wonder if they have any true connections or community. One irony emerging from the digitalization of social relationships is that we have increased connection with those at the fringe of our social networks, yet we have a decreasing number of high-quality, intimate friendships because of the amount of time and effort we invest in social media.

People look at the church as a place to make connections, to get to know other people, and to find friends. If your church appears cold and distant, it won’t be the kind of place where people will want to build meaningful connections. People want to attend churches that are warm and engaging.

Your church needs to fulfill the needs of the people in your community.

In some ways, I think we need to get beyond the attractional church discussion. It’s a straw man because it suggests that there is a segment of churches that are frankly just asking the question, “What does our community need and how do we fulfill those needs?” as if it were a marketing trick. The reality is that Jesus consistently started with people’s needs and then drew them closer to himself, pointing them to a faith that would make a difference.

What elements of your ministry do you need to change to help fulfill these five needs? Is there something going on in your ministry that doesn’t meet the real needs of people in your community? I’d love to hear your comments below.

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Source: 5 Needs Guests are Attempting to Meet When They Come to Your Church

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15 Ways To Become a Kinder, Better Boss and Human Being

Patrick Bradley — Tue, 01 May 2018 09:00:02 +0000

by Carey Nieuwhof: If your team (and family) was being 100% honest, would they say they love being around you?

I know, these are the questions that keep us up at night, or at least should.

I would says the answer for me is sometimes yes, and sadly, sometimes not so much.

How about you?

Earlier this week I had a refreshing experience. It happened on a good day.

I was boarding a flight to Houston, finishing up a phone conversation with one of my new team members. He’d had a busy few weeks and I was just checking in on how he was doing. I hung up as we were about to take off.

After we reached cruising altitude, the flight attendant came over to me and asked me:

“Was that one of your employees you were talking to?”

“Yes, actually, it was. He just started with me.”

“I’d like an application please.”

It took be back, so I asked him why.

He said this: “I wished I had a boss that cared about me that way.”

Boom.

Now I promise you, he caught me on a good day. I’m not always an amazing boss or human being. I could point out many other days when people should have quit or divorced me.

But it reminded me of how rare it is to be treated well in this world, at work or at home.

So how can you become a kinder, better boss and human being (as in spouse, parent, friend, citizen)?

Here are 15 small things that can make a big difference.

1. Remember how you feel when others (mis) treat you

How did you like to be treated when you weren’t the leader?

Remember that (remembering is a discipline), and then decide to treat people accordingly. This act of remembering can be a powerful motivator.

Nothing is quite as convicting as to have other people treat you as poorly as you treat them. Remember that.

Nothing is quite as convicting as to have other people treat you as poorly as you treat them.Click To Tweet

2. Ask how more than what

Life can be so transaction.

As a boss, spouse or parent, it’s easy to focus on what has to happen next, whether it’s a major project or soccer practice.

But as my friend Jeff Henderson taught me, great people ask how someone is doing not just what they’re doing.

So…ask them how they’re doing even more than you ask them what they’re doing. Ask what they did on the weekend, how they’re feeling, what’s interesting to them.

Ask how someone is doing more often than you ask them what they’re doing and you’ll have very grateful people around you.

Ask how someone is doing more often than you ask them what they’re doing. @jeffhendersonClick To Tweet

3. Say thanks

Whether you are leading a paid team or volunteer team, say thanks a lot.

Gratitude is a powerful motivator.

Most employees rarely get thanked but love it when they do.

They can work for someone else you know.

Gratitude is a powerful motivator.Click To Tweet

4. Write personal notes of thanks

Whether you include a specific thank you into an email you’re already sending, or write a hand-written thank you note, be sure you thank people regularly.

Expressing gratitude actually makes you more grateful. And yep, this is a discipline for me. But one worthwhile.

5. Smile

Smiling is sometimes a discipline. Even if you have to make yourself smile, it will ultimately make you feel better than when you don’t.

And it will convey a powerful message to the person you’re talking to.

6. Look people in the eye

Eye contact is also rarer these days than ever before.

Smiling while you look at someone will encourage them in a very powerful way.

Many people feel like other people don’t like them. A smile and your full attention conveys that you do.

7. Get good at what you do

Increasing your skill level will make you like what you do more, but it will help your team respect you.

You’ll feel more positive, but so will they.

Don’t expect other people to pull their weight if you won’t pull yours. This goes for leadership at work, but also for home life when the trash needs to be taken out (again).

Leaders, don’t expect other people to pull their weight if you won’t pull yours.Click To Tweet

8. Share some of your weaknesses

You don’t need to share everything, but when you share a few things you might struggle with it goes a long way toward building trust and empathy.

Moreover, you won’t feel as much pressure to put on a ‘show’ and they will feel less pressure to measure up to an impossible standard. This really helps.

People admire your strengths, but they resonate with your weaknesses.

People admire your strengths, but they resonate with your weaknesses.Click To Tweet

9. Take time off

Yes, you’re a leader and you’ve got a crazy life.

But all work and no play = stressed, angry and dull.

10. Have some fun

Many people don’t like their jobs because they are boring.

We have done everything from trying to make origami without instructions, to road rallies, to going to the movies, to high ropes, to throwing themed parties for staff and volunteers, to simple lunches where we celebrate milestones and people.

If people come to love where they work, they tend to work diligently. Laughter can really break the tension. We laugh a lot on our team, and it makes work a fun place to be.

Uptight people…want a short cut to fun? Take your work seriously, but don’t take yourself too seriously.

Take your work seriously, but don’t take yourself too seriously. Click To Tweet

11. Schedule margin

I struggle most when my schedule is back to back meetings.

If I schedule breaks between meetings, time to get out to stretch my legs at lunch and some time between events, I show up more refreshed. You probably do too.

Rest up. I’m at my most kind when I’m at my most rested. You are too.

Leaders, you’re at your most kind when you’re most rested. So rest. Click To Tweet

12. Celebrate wins

We try to start each meeting with what we call “wins” – how do we know we’re accomplishing our mission?

This is a great discipline because often as a leader I only see the challenges ahead, not the victories that are happening.

Most leaders have far more to be grateful for what they see in any given moment.

Most leaders have far more to be grateful for what they see in any given moment.Click To Tweet

13. Think more about others than you think about yourself

I’m basically a selfish person. I think most of us are.

If I go into meetings thinking about how I can help others, I do better than when I go into a meeting thinking about what I can get out of it.

And others enjoy those meetings far more.

As C.S. Lewi said, true humility isn’t thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking of yourself less.

True humility isn’t thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking of yourself less. C.S. LewisClick To Tweet

14. Get some help

Still grumpy and angry at the world? Get some help.

I have used counselors in the past and I always have coaches and mentors building into me to help me see my blindspots and get better as a leader.

They really help me work through my issues and grow a more positive spirit.

15. Pray about it

Prayer. It’s a good idea.

It’s kind of an assumption on this blog that the Christian leaders who read it are reading their bibles and praying, but just to make the implicit explicit, pray about this.

(And yes, I read your comments about “Where’s God and prayer and the Bible on this blog?” I promise you it undergirds every post…really. It’s just every post would be the same if I mentioned them all the time. This blog is about the less obvious.)

If you really struggle with mood, make sure you really pray about it.

Your bad attitude is not news to God or others, and God (and others) will be glad you are talking about it with Him.

You’ll never address what you don’t confess.

You’ll never address what you won’t confess.Click To Tweet

What Do You See?

What helps you be a kinder, gentler leader and human being?

Scroll down and leave a comment!

The post 15 Ways To Become a Kinder, Better Boss and Human Being appeared first on CareyNieuwhof.com.

Source: 15 Ways To Become a Kinder, Better Boss and Human Being

The post 15 Ways To Become a Kinder, Better Boss and Human Being appeared first on Passion for Planting.

6 Great Reasons to Network in Your Community

Patrick Bradley — Thu, 17 Aug 2017 09:00:38 +0000

by Patrick Bradley: Networking is when you’re meeting with civic officials, business leaders, community groups, nonprofits, etc. Here are 6 great reasons to go network in your community today.

I’m sure I don’t have hard numbers to prove it, but I would argue that there’s a tangible difference in the health of a church plant between planters that intentionally network and those that keep to themselves. These may give you a hint why:

Uncover Real Needs

Most community leaders are leading because they want to make a positive difference. Which means that they’re in touch with real needs in the community. Networking with them allows you to ask questions about community needs that get past the online demographics report level of general info.

Find Community Partners

As you sense the calling to address a community need, networking helps you find like-minded organizations to join forces with. What a shame it would be to approach the community with a savior complex and blow right past other groups that are already valiantly addressing the same issue.

Connect Other Groups

Eventually you may have the privilege of connecting other groups together. I sat in on a call this week where the planter had introduced a local coffee shop to a local nonprofit they had never heard of (right in their own community). Through that connection, the coffee shop began donating its day-old pastries, which they had previously been throwing away. The church and the planter didn’t directly benefit from that connection, but the community is better for it.

Make a Friend

As a church planter, you’re a risk-taker and an entrepreneur. You will run into a higher concentration of similarly-wired leaders as you network in your community. Maybe a new friendship is waiting to be born, one with no agenda other than being good friends with things in common. Who couldn’t use a few more of those?

Find a Facility

Sometimes finding a facility to host worship gatherings is a challenge. When you network with realtors, city planners and the like, you are connecting with people that know every facility in the community. They might be able to suggest something you haven’t thought of, or provide entree to a facility that wouldn’t initially have considered you.

Boost Your Energy

This is an common side effect when you go to network in your community: planters are people persons, and being out talking to people is likely to charge your batteries more than sitting behind a laptop screen checking things off a to-do list. You have to do some of that, too, but why not be more fully alive by spending time with other leaders in your community?

Networking isn’t just going to happen. There will be so many demands competing for your attention. Resolve to meet with at least 2 community leaders every week for the next 6 months and see how your ministry changes!

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Source: 6 Great Reasons to Network in Your Community

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