by Carey Nieuwhof: You probably have a love/hate relationship with apologies.

You appreciate it deeply when others apologize to you.

But you find it difficult to apologize to others.

And let me guess, when you do apologize, you’re tempted to explain, justify or defend your actions.

Which is not really an apology at all.

Please hear this. Two of the most powerful words a leader can utter are simply “I apologize”.

One of the reasons those two words are so powerful is because we hear them so rarely from leaders.

Think back over your life. When has a leader come to you, looked you straight in the eye, and offered an unconditional apology?

Rarely is my guess. Maybe never.

So let’s change that.

Here’s how.

Two of the most powerful words a leader can utter are: I apologize. Click To Tweet

5 Ways to Apologize Well in Leadership

At its heart, an apology is ownership. It says “I was responsible”. Whether you intended to hurt someone or mess up a situation is irrelevant.

Mature, responsible leaders know they are the problem, and they work hard to see and claim their share of anything that went wrong. They’re quick to accept blame, and even faster to assign credit to others when things go well.

These leaders know it’s not about them. It’s about the mission and the team.

So how do you apologize well in leadership?

Mature, responsible leaders know they are the problem, and they work hard to see and claim their share of anything that went wrong.Click To Tweet

Here are five guidelines that have helped me and that I’ve appreciated when I’ve seen them at work in other leaders:

1. Go first

Often when a situation gets messed up, people are wondering what to do with it. Sweep it under the rug? Let it go? Wait for someone else to take the lead.

If you’re a leader–even if you’re not the senior leader–take the initiative. Go first.

If you do, you’ll not only break the ice, you’ll give others permission to take their share of responsibility AND you’ll make the situation better.

So go first.

2. Say it in person, but if you can’t, don’t delay

Ideally, you will take the person or people involved aside, look them in the eye and own your part of the problem (which sometimes is 100% of the problem).

But if you’re not going to see them soon, don’t delay.

In the last week, I’ve sent two emails to apologize for the tone in which I communicated something because I knew I wasn’t going to see the person within 24 hours.

Whatever you do, own what you need to own quickly.

3. Be specific about what went wrong and what you did

When things go wrong, the temptation is to be vague.

“Well, I’m not really sure what happened but I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“I don’t really know why it didn’t get done, but I’ll make sure it won’t happen again.”

I hear this all the time and it drives me crazy.

Really? How can you be sure it never happens again if you don’t even know what happened?

Being vague on the details is a sign that you don’t really care enough to figure out what happened.

Great leaders do solid post mortems on tough situations so they can figure out what happened, what they could have done to avoid it, and then figure out how to not let it happen again.

When you’re owning a situation and apologizing for your role in it, being as specific as you can makes your apology mean more and makes you much more effective as a leader moving forward.

You can’t promise something won’t happen again if you haven’t bothered to figure out what happened.Click To Tweet

4. Don’t defend

Our word “apology” comes from the Greek word ???????? (apologia), which means “defence”.

That’s not a bad thing when you’re engaging in apologetics (defending or advancing a belief system), but it’s a terrible thing to do when you are actually apologizing.

Saying things like “If she had delivered the first version to me on time I would have had it done on time” doesn’t help.

A defence is often an abdication of responsibility.

Don’t defend yourself. Don’t blame others.

Just own it and apologize.

5. Don’t justify

This is closely related to not defending yourself, but it’s so natural and common to justify your failure that it deserves mentioning.

Sure, traffic might have been slow. But you should have left 10 minutes earlier.

Yes, the shipment was delayed, but your job was to get it there on time, wasn’t it?

Absolutely, you were tired. But just because you were tired doesn’t mean you can dump all over people.

Those may be explanations, but they are not justifications. They don’t make what you did or failed to do right.

Never use an explanation as a justification. Even if you talk about reasons, still own your failure 100% (“I was really tired, but I was also really wrong. I apologize.”)

Take responsibility.

An explanation is not a justification. Own your piece.Click To Tweet

I find that when I apologize using these guidelines, things go much better for the team and for me. Why? Because I grow, and I learn. And I become a better leader when I take full responsibility.

Work on your leadership. Not Just In It. 

When you are tired and burning out, you are way more likely to say or do something that you regret. Becoming more productive can help you avoid that.

13 years ago, I hit a wall. I burned out.

I was seen as an effective leader, but my methods were killing me on the insight.

I moved through burnout and on the other side, got coaching and counseling that helped me create a new normal. A new normal that radically boosted my productivity and helped me beat overwhelm and get my life and leadership back.

I’ve put all my learnings so far into my High Impact Leader course. The High Impact Leader is an online, on-demand course designed to help you get time, energy and priorities working in your favor. So far, over 3000 leaders have beat overwhelm using the course and either stayed clear of burnout or come back from it.

Many leaders who have taken it are recovering 3 productive hours a day.  That’s about 1000 hours of found time each year. That’s a lot of time for what matters most.

Here are what some alumni are saying about The High Impact Leader Course”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing the course again. It has absolutely made an impact in my life and family already that I can’t even describe.” – Joel Rowland, First Priority, Clayton County, North Carolina

“Carey’s course was the perfect way for our team to prepare for the new year. Our team, both collectively and individually, took a fresh look at maximizing our time and leadership gifts for the year ahead. I highly recommend this leadership development resource for you and your team.” Jeff Henderson, Gwinnett Church, Atlanta Georgia

“A lot of books and programs make big promises and cannot deliver but this is not one of them. I have read so many books and watched videos on productivity but the way you approach it and teach is helpful and has changed my work week in ministry in amazing ways.” Chris Sloan, Tanglewood Church, Kingston, North Carolina

“Just wow.  Thank you, thank you.” Dave Campbell, Invitation Church, Sioux Falls South Dakota

“A game changer.” Pam Perkins, Red Rock Church, Colorado Springs, Colorado

Curious? Want to beat overwhelm and have the time to reinvent yourself?

Click here to learn more or get instant access.

What helps you apologize?

What bothers you about the way others apologize?

Leave a comment!

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guest post by Rose Meeder: At some point, if you are sincere about your Christian faith, you are going to have a conversation with someone about it.  Or are you?

Let me back up a minute, if “being a Christian” is something you take seriously, you are probably going to THINK about having a conversation with someone about it.  AND – you may wonder HOW to have that conversation.

Listen, I have been a Christian my whole life and have also been a thoughtful student of the human art of conversation for years and I find this thing – “sharing my faith” – incredibly hard to do.

But I WANT to – I really want to.  I actually believe that meeting Jesus on this side of heaven will make life richer and more joyful and more peaceful than anything else available to us.  There is a tenacity and fierceness to God’s love through Jesus that holds people firmer in the face of life’s struggles than anyone can imagine.

I want everyone to know this.

Everyone.

Well, the key is figuring out how to start, how to continue the conversation and eventually, how to let it go.

Join me here:

Relationships are complicated.  Communication between two individuals is often fraught with misunderstanding.  The timing isn’t always right and sometimes you are just not in the mood.

But despite all that, I want to let you in on a few key principles that you absolutely need to know before you take this type of conversation on.

Here they are:

1. Move past your own assumptions.

Often, we have already pre-decided what someone thinks about God.

You may know that a person doesn’t attend church regularly so you assume that they think spiritual things are irrelevant.  Really?  Why continue to assume that, if there is no evidence to support it?  You haven’t asked the person yet. Yes, there is a risk in asking, but make sure your preconceived hunch is not cheating you out of a conversation you are both interested in having.

Statistically, we know that more people are interested in faith conversations than not.  If you play the odds, the person you are sitting across from is more-likely wishing you would bring it up.

2. Express a genuine interest.

Don’t begin with your baptism story.

First, ask him how he is doing, ask how she is really doing.  And then, listen.  Your first several conversations may never include a single idea of your own.  Ask about life and ideas and plans and achievements and concerns and anxieties.  Be intentionally respectful.

You should hear yourself saying “What do you think about that?”  “How did you come to feel this way?”  “What’s it like for you when that happens?”  Validate.  Empathize.  Be motivated by a genuine desire to engage.  When their story breaks your heart, because real life has a way of doing that, tell them you don’t know what to say but politely offer, that when you have been similarly at the very end of yourself, you have prayed about it.  Because that is being honest – the last time you had no idea how to fix your broken heart, you prayed – and by offering to do for someone else what you would do for yourself, you are caring for them.

If you don’t care about this person, you don’t get to nudge the conversation into the faith-arena.  You don’t get to invite them to church.  You don’t get to share your spiritual opinions.

So if you find yourself engaged in a conversation with someone, and get distracted or caught up with some selfish thoughts, stop thinking you will share your faith with them.  You shouldn’t.  First comes the caring and then comes the sharing.  Your first conversation earns you the right to the next conversation.  Keep this top of mind.

3. Know your truth.

I think about Billy Graham.  He stands out in the crowd of humanity as one of the most influential leaders of all time.  He knew his truth.  His passion for teaching millions came from a deeply personal conviction centred around the resurrection of Jesus Christ and the spiritual reconciliation this offered to the world.

Billy Graham had studied the scriptures to the point that he could not keep this life-saving message of unconditional and super-natural love and acceptance to himself.  Out of this conviction, Billy Graham shared his faith.

Reach daily into scripture and apply the words of Jesus and words of the Apostle Paul to your life.  You will nurture and ground your soul.  God will use you.

4. Share your stuff.

Everybody has stuff.  Your life is not all together.  Life is sometimes hard for everybody.  Be appropriately but profoundly honest.

Talk about how your job leaves you dissatisfied, how you struggle to get a good night’s sleep, how you are seeing a marriage counselor, how you worry about your kids and your weight and your money.

If you share your thoughts on God in the absolutely false context that your life is perfect, your shared words will fly-fly-away on the next winsome breeze of nothingness because what you have to say about God doesn’t really matter anyway.  You obviously don’t need Him.  You have got life figured out on your own.  That will be a shame, when all the while you want to communicate that God’s redeeming love bolsters you and grounds you.

The truth is that you believe that Jesus died for all the bad, unexplainable anguish and garbage going on in the world and going on in your life.  Tell your friend that.  They will listen.

5. Let go.

You are going to invest in people by sharing your spiritual world-view and undeniably, the truth of what you share has the power to transform.

When people lean in to God-conversations, the possibilities for life-change is incredible.  You will be offering a peek inside of a heart and mind sold out for God and that is wonderful.  This extension of yourself will be a gift that could truly transform your friend’s experience of living.  Or maybe it won’t.  Maybe someone will grow to like you but at the same time, will turn you down every time you invite them to church.  Maybe it will feel odd when you offer to pray for someone’s loss and you will only receive a grateful smile but a guarded expression.  This person who now trusts you and cares about you too, will possibly always let you talk about your Christianity but never be influenced to take on those views for themself.  And you know what?  That’s ok.  The potential conviction of knowing their need for a Saviour might happen in their heart but it just as likely, might not.  That’s not your responsibility.  That’s not your job.  It is a noble and even righteous goal to bring people to Christ but don’t make a single person your conversion-project.

Let. that. go.  And while you do, continue to vulnerably invest and also deepen your own faith.  Never stop being “for” your friend and focus on moving past the judgments and assumptions that will threaten your friendship.  God has got this.

Relax and enjoy knowing that. Proclaim well.

_________

Today’s post is a guest post by Rose Meeder. Not only is Rose a close friend, Rose is a physician, a wife and mother to four, and the host of Intersection, a podcast where she has important, meaningful conversations with people about where real life and faith intersect.

Last year, I interviewed Rose in depth

Rose is one of the best I know at having genuine, meaningful conversation in an age when the art of conversation is dying.  

The post 5 Keys To Having Meaningful, Life-Giving Conversations With Non-Christians appeared first on CareyNieuwhof.com.

Source: 5 Keys To Having Meaningful, Life-Giving Conversations With Non-Christians

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