By: Carey Nieuwhof

You’ve heard people say that marriage can be hard, but you didn’t know it could be this hard.

You married with the hope of sharing your life with someone who’s as pumped to make the most of it as you are, so how did the two of you end up here? Maybe the turbulence of the recent months – with lifestyle disruption, threat of COVID and economic uncertainty – is taking its toll on how you both feel.

Your daily activities are no longer what they used to be, and while there some changes you enjoy, your marriage feels worse than before.

Lockdown has amplified all the annoying habits of your spouse. He chews his food too loud. She never gets out of yoga pants. You wonder to yourself, if you ever need to be quarantined again in the future, is this the person you want to be quarantined with?

As a divorce attorney and mediator, I’ve walked with hundreds of people who’ve left unhappy marriages. If you’re like many of us, you’re not dealing with a harmful or toxic marriage, but an unhappy one.

The line between harmful and unhappy is not black and white, and you may need to reach out to someone wise you trust to help you discern the difference.

If you’re like most unhappily married people, when your disappointment feels strong, you wonder whether you’ve signed up for a lifetime of misery.

If you’re like most unhappily married people, when your disappointment feels strong, you wonder whether you’ve signed up for a lifetime of misery. – @ToniNieuwhof

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I get it. There are times every marriage feels hard, even impossible. In today’s blog, I’m asking you to set aside your cynicism, your disappointment and your disillusionment for a few moments to ponder a few thoughts about separating .

Why am I writing? Because I’m so grateful there were people, including friends, speakers, authors and counsellors who I listened to and learned from while our marriage felt like it was breaking down.

Carey and I now enjoy a thriving marriage we wouldn’t dream of leaving. Who knows? Maybe one of these 3 things will help you start to move out of your distress, too:

1. Your Victim Story Will Blind You

Let me guess – so you think it’s all your spouse’s fault your marriage is so hard?

For many years when Carey and I had heated arguments, I would withdraw.

I would slip off into my own little world and go silent and become basically unreachable. But going silent wasn’t Carey’s wiring and it drove him crazy. I would insist he leave me alone while he persistently tried to draw me back into some kind of engagement. I labeled Carey’s behaviour as aggressive and this dynamic carried on over time only led us into bitterness and resentment.

Years in without realizing it, I was telling myself a victim story that threatened to derail us. It was a tangled version of I can’t do this anymore and if only he would also fight for peace and leave me alone… Turns out, my victim story distorted the truth.

When I slipped into silence during an argument, I wasn’t simply ‘fighting for peace’ – I was also stonewalling. There were times when I withdrew into my self-made fortress and treated every advance by Carey as an attack.

It was only after I absorbed the wisdom of counselors, engaged in some serious self-reflection, and developed the maturity to face my own blind spots that I could see my role more accurately.

My victim story was clouding my vision.

When it comes to relationships, if there’s a victim, there’s a perpetrator. When you adopt a victim mindset especially in marriage, the psychology of ‘we’re a team’ breaks down. Then you feel divided and disconnected from each other.

The vast majority of my family law clients saw themselves as having been victimized by their spouse in some way. Most people who were leaving said their spouse was emotionally abusive.

That label has really caught on. A victim narrative is problematic because it takes relational dynamics with inherent complexity and oversimplifies them.

You, like me, will have a human tendency to oversimplify the story in your favour, to help you avoid pain and cause you the least personal discomfort.

A victim narrative is problematic because it takes relational dynamics with inherent complexity and oversimplifies them. – @ToniNieuwhof

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Is there a subject you and your spouse avoid because one or both of you gets triggered when you broach it?

How to get the other to stop being so negative? How to fight clean instead of ‘dirty’? How to solve that nagging parenting problem? How to handle your growing money problem? How to fix your failing relationship? How much sex?

Chances are, you both believe the other person’s to blame for the unsolved problem(s) in your relationship.

You too, may have a victim story running in the background, blinding you to your own part in whatever your problem may be. But if you walk away without trying to spot your own role or offense, you’ll leave believing your part truth, part fiction victim story.

If I’d walked away when my victim story spoke to me the loudest, I would have carried the same stonewalling-under-the-guise-of-peace tendency into my next relationship.

Maybe after two or three partners, the part of my story that was fictional would become more visible. I’m grateful it didn’t happen that way.

And you don’t need to wait for the passage of time and experiences of life to open your eyes to the whole truth, either. As long as your marriage is unhappy and not toxic, you are not a victim. While the ‘blame’ for the struggles between you may not even out at 50:50, and perhaps your spouse is 90% responsible – you still have your 10% to own.

Make yourself a promise to look for your part. Avoid passively allowing time to teach you.

Search for the fictional part of your victim story, with humility. When you find it, own it, apologize for it, and start taking steps to make it right.

Chances are, you both believe the other person’s to blame for the unsolved problem(s) in your relationship. – @ToniNieuwhof

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2. You May Be Listening to the Wrong Messages

Your friends will influence you either to lean into or away from your marriage. Research shows how much your marriage decisions are influenced by the people around you. In recent years, neuroscientific research has uncovered fascinating insight into how our brains respond to the influence of the brains of the people we surround ourselves with. Moran Cerf, a neuroscientist and professor at Northwestern University, has done research into the social aspect of decision-making. As one reporter says of Cerf’s research:

So long as we make the right choices, the thinking goes, we’ll put ourselves on a path toward life satisfaction.

Cerf rejects that idea. The truth is, decision-making is fraught with biases that cloud our judgment. People misremember bad experiences as good and vice versa; they let their emotions turn a rational choice into an irrational one; and they use social cues, even subconsciously, to make choices they’d otherwise avoid…”

His neuroscience research has found that when two people are in each other’s company, their brain waves will begin to look nearly identical.

Says Cerf, “This means the people you hang out with actually have an impact on your engagement with reality beyond what you can explain. And one of the effects is you become alike.”

Cerf’s research findings don’t strike us as counterintuitive; in fact, our life experiences have already taught us that people tend to rub off on each other. We become more like the people we keep company with.

If the norm among your friends or social circle is to get a divorce when the marriage feels over, then according to the research, divorce becomes a more likely outcome for you too. But it doesn’t have to be.

You already know that you choose the company you keep and the voices you listen to. Look around you. Are the people you’re closest to cheering for your marriage? Or are they cheering for you to walk away?

Look around you. Are the people you’re closest to cheering for your marriage? Or are they cheering for you to walk away? – @ToniNieuwhof

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While you need friends who will be with you through the ups and downs, you may need to be selective about who you receive advice from. Do the messages of your friends bring you comfort, or wisdom?

If you were choosing between two job offers or two cities to relocate to, I’m guessing you would weigh the pros and the cons. You would try to see both the risks and the benefits as objectively as possible. You might also visualize what life would look like down the road for each option.

But for me, during our rough season of marriage, that kind of objectivity was hard to grasp through desperate emotions. Your pain will push you to give up, and may even cause you to visualize what a new chapter of love might look like.

But add your pain to the voices or influence of people around you who have left marriages, and you may do what you never would never do with any other major life decision.

You may be drawn by your emotions and the social influence of your friends to only see the pros and not the cons of walking away.

What to do? If you’re feeling stuck and unhappy in your marriage, you need to seek out some other voices to give you informed perspectives about your options.

Commit to spending more time with people who value their marriage and yours. Invest in a relationship with a couple who have gone through unhappy seasons but are now deeply satisfied.

Combat your internal resistance toward finding a qualified marriage counselor who comes with great reviews from couples who were distressed but aren’t anymore. Sign up for a marriage course, retreat or marriage support group.

There are people who have invaluable messages for you while you’re struggling with your marriage, but chances are they won’t just show up. You need to make the effort to seek them out.

Choose to listen for wisdom over comfort.

There are people who have invaluable messages for you while you’re struggling with your marriage, but chances are they won’t just show up. You need to make the effort to seek them out. – @ToniNieuwhof

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3. You Won’t Feel the Costs of Leaving Until You’ve Left

Ever witnessed a divorce that seemed hasty and premature? After dotting the I’s and crossing the t’s on the divorce settlement, I had a few clients who said, “If I’d only known then what I know now, I would’ve tried harder to save my marriage.”

There’s no way around it: splitting isn’t going to look or feel the way you imagine.

I walked through divorce with many clients who were shocked by the gap between what they expected after separating and what they experienced.

They had a hard time coming to terms with it. If you’ve been married any length of time, and especially if you have kids, even an out-of-court divorce will be harder and more complicated than you imagine.

Many of the parents I advised told me the primary reason they were walking away was to stop the negative impact of their fighting or their indifference toward each other on their kids.

The sad reality is that the fighting didn’t stop and their indifference proved to be problematic after they walked away in most cases.

Your divorce leaves its mark on your kids, and despite your best intentions, the emotional impact of your broken relationship will escalate as you’re forced to make critical decisions after splitting.

Who pays the price for escalating conflict? You all do, but your kids may pay more than you think.

Who pays the price for escalating conflict? You all do, but your kids may pay more than you think. – @ToniNieuwhof

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Either through your own experience or that of others, you’ve seen the other consequences of divorce. Maybe you’ve helped a friend through the grief of their marriage breakdown. Maybe you’ve seen how the demands of making divorce arrangements pushed other priorities such as work or personal health further down the list.

I’m sure you’ve heard about the financial loss people suffer when they divide the family income between two separate households. The costs of separating only become stark reality when you take the real steps.

Please don’t hear me say that divorce is never an option. In some cases, the divorce is hard but spares the family from further harm. However, don’t make a hasty decision to split. Listen to wisdom first.

Choose the hard work of facing the fictions in your own victim story. Chances are, your courage combined with action will keep you from the regret of wishing you’d tried harder.

You may believe it’s your spouse who needs to do the hard work, not you. But this decision is high stakes, and you have more influence than you think. So, where do you start? While there are many useful steps you can take, I have a couple of ideas that I believe can help.

Don’t make a hasty decision to split. Listen to wisdom first. – @ToniNieuwhof

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Some Help:

I’m offering a guide designed to help you move past your unhappiness: Six Things Unhappy Couples Say and What To Do About Them.

To access your free copy, click here.

To hear more about what to do when marriage feels hard, tune into our podcast interview with acclaimed marriage expert Dr. Gary Chapman here.

If I could sum up all these words in just a few, I would say listen up before giving up.

When Carey and I were in the middle of our dark days, I didn’t know it at the time, but I had more to learn than I ever dreamed. Our relationship now is hardly recognizable in comparison. We’re close together, facing life in the same direction.

We’re sharing intimacy and facing our challenges with locked-arm strength instead of division.

Listen up before giving up.

And don’t forget to get your copy of 6 Things Unhealthy Couples Say here!

This is a guest post written by Toni Nieuwhof. Toni is Carey Nieuwhof’s wife. She’s also the host of The Smart Family Podcast, and a member of our speaking team, and is available for podcast and media interviews on family and relationship issues (inquire here). 

What about you?

What personal change do you need to make to tear down some walls and move closer?

Leave a comment below!

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Source: When You’re Completely Spent and Have Nothing to Show For it All

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by Carey Nieuwhof: Leadership is hard. I totally get that, because I’ve been in it for over two decades.

But to be perfectly honest, leadership never gets easy. The reason it’s never easy is because what’s hard keeps changing. You solve one problem, and now a new, likely larger on appears. That’s true when things are declining when they’re stagnant. And surprisingly, it’s even more trying when things are growing.

And in all scenarios, your next task as a leader is to tackle what’s ahead, which, of course, you’ve often never done before. Which is why it stays hard.

Naturally, that can get tiring. As a result, it’s remarkably easy for a once inspiring leader to descend into to stop leading, to stop leading into new vistas, and as a result, to stop inspiring their team.

Your team will put up with that for a while, but inevitably, they’ll lose motivation too. Keep it up, and any leader with options, especially the best ones, will leave. If you won’t lead your team with passion and purpose, your best leaders will leave. They’ll simply find someone who will.

I’ve had seasons where I know my leadership hasn’t been as inspirational as it should be, and over the years I’ve made it a point to start recognizing the signs that it’s happening. If I know the signs, it’s easier to snap back and begin leading and inspiring again.

If you won’t lead your team with passion and purpose, your best leaders will leave. They’ll simply find someone who will.Click To Tweet

1. You Don’t Feel Inspired

So let’s start with an obvious one. It’s hard to inspire others when you’re not inspired.

I’ll the first to admit that passion waxes and wanes in season. Sometimes you’re tired or you’ve been running hard, but if you’re the leader, you’re supposed to be inspired by the mission you’re on.

One of the key principles of leadership is this: the passion of your team will rarely exceed your passion as a leader.

Do whatever you need to do to stay inspired. Revisit the mission, daily. Spend time alone, pray and meditate about why you’re not inspired. Talk to a friend, or a counselor.

Sometimes (not always, but sometimes), the reason you’re not inspired is that your vision is too small. If your mission doesn’t inspire you, get a bigger or better mission. Personally, I think it’s great to be fueled by somethign that’s bigger than you are, and that seems almost impossible to pull off.

When you have something that big, it’s also impossible for you to take the credit if it happens.

It’s hard to inspire others when you’re not inspired. The passion of your team will rarely exceed your passion as a leader. Click To Tweet

2. You’re Showing Very Little Gratitude

When you’re no longer inspiring your team, check your gratitude. Gratitude is usually one of the first things to go when you’re not in a good season, and it’s one of the most devastating things for team members to lose.

Lose gratitude, and you’ll soon discover it gets replaced by its nemesis: expectation.

Not only are you not grateful, you begin to tell yourself things like:

I pay these people for more than that.

Sure, she’s volunteering, but her effort doesn’t even come close to the pressure I’m facing.

What do you mean you want to go home? There’s work to do.

The more tired you are, the more likely you expect things from people rather than be grateful for them.

And that’s a great way to lose good people.

The more tired you are, the more likely you expect things from people rather than be grateful for them. And that’s a great way to lose good people. Click To Tweet

3. Your Vision is Fuzzy

It’s hard to rally people around a fuzzy vision for the future.

When casting vision, clarity is your friend.

It’s hard to rally people around a fuzzy vision for the future. Click To Tweet

If your vision is clear, you’ll have a compelling answer to questions like these:

What hill are you taking next?

Why are you taking it?

What happens after that?

Who are you helping?

What difference is it making?

Why is your mission so critical?

If you can’t answer those questions, don’t expect your team to rally or throw their whole heart behind the mission.

Clarity is your best friend when it comes to vision.

If you don’t have it and feel things might be slipping away, you might start to want to control people.

Poor leaders substitute control for clarity.

Here’s why. If you don’t know with absolute clarity what your organization is, where it’s going and how it’s going to get there (in other words, if you’re fuzzy about your mission, vision and strategy), you can never truly align a team.

And as a result, you will always want to control it.

Clarity around the vision is a far better alternative.

Poor leaders substitute control for clarity.Click To Tweet

4. You’re managing, not leading

Management is a good thing in the right measure. I agree with some of the voices of late who say we’ve overfocused on leadership and underfocused on management. Good point.

Leadership without good management usually results in chaos instead of progress.

But no matter how well managed an organization is, every organizaiton still needs leadership.

Management oversees what what needs to be done today. Leadership moves people into tomorrow.

Because leadership takes energy, passion and clarity, a lot of leaders default to managing. The bold new idea is to make next year incrementally better than this year. To tweak, not to reboot. To improve, but not to challenge or rethink.

Leadership inspires in a way management doesn’t.

Management oversees what what needs to be done today. Leadership moves people into tomorrow. Leadership inspires in a way management doesn’t.Click To Tweet

5. You’re out of new ideas

One sure what to inspire a team is to have new ideas for the future. The longer you’ve been in leadership, the harder this can feel.

We live in an exceptional disruptive age. How we communicated two decades ago is not how we communicate today.

The same is true of

Shopping
Transporation
Accommodation
Music
Journalism
Entertainment
Photography

I’m not saying you have to come up with disruptive ideas, but I am saying that unless you have some new ideas, about how to accomplish your mission, it’s difficult to keep mobilizing people.

I’ve seen so many leaders who run out of vision cling to old methods—doing the same thing over and over again hoping for better results.

If there’s no plan for the future, there’s usually no future.

If there’s no plan for the future, there’s usually no future. Click To Tweet

3 Tips For Regaining Your Inspiration

It’s great to point out the problem, but how do you move toward a solution.

Well, in some cases, it might be that you’re burned out (here are some signs of that), or that you need some counselling, or perhaps that it’s time to move on (here are 7 signs it’s time to leave.)

But if it’s just a season, what do you do to get inspired?

Here are a few things that have helped me.

Revisit the mission. Reminding yourself why you do what you do can go a long way to keeping your passion strong.
Study industry leaders. Who do you know that’s crushing it? Go hang out with them and take your notebook.
Get out of your echo chamber. Chances are you need some fresh influences, so go learn from some leaders and people who are different than you are.

I wrote some more on how to renew your leadership here (something that I think has to happen every 5-7 years regardless of how you feel).

Stoke Your Passion Over the Long Haul

How do you stay inspired year after year?

It’s more possible than you think. And it starts with how you lead yourself and others each day.

My High Impact Leader course, is my online, on-demand course designed to help you get time, energy and priorities working in your favour.

It’s perfect for leaders who feel like they never have enough time in the day to get it all done.

Many leaders who have taken it are recovering 3 productive hours a day.  That’s about 1000 hours of found time each year. That’s a lot of time for what matters most.

Here are what some alumni are saying about The High Impact Leader Course”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing the course again. It has absolutely made an impact in my life and family already that I can’t even describe.” – Joel Rowland, Clayton County, North Carolina

“Just wow.  Thank you, thank you.” Dave Campbell,  Sioux Falls South Dakota

“A game-changer.” Pam Perkins,  Colorado Springs, Colorado

Curious? Want to beat overwhelm and have the time to reflect, rest and reinvent yourself?

Click here to learn more or get instant access.

What Are Some Other Signs?

Any other signs you see that maybe you’re no longer inspiring your team?

Scroll down and leave a comment!

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by Carey Nieuwhof: How do you feel about your phone?

That’s an increasingly interesting question.

Ask me that five years ago and I would have told you I love mine.

My guess is that by now you might have a love/hate relationship with it.

You love what it gives you, but you’re not sure what it’s doing to you, and the emotions you experience while you scroll, tap and swipe are more mixed than in the past. Take your phone and devices away from you, though, or forget them, and you immediately panic. A near-dread ensues.

I get it.

This summer I’m writing a book on overwhelm and burnout that will come out in September 2020. The deeper I dive into the subject, the more I think the reason we’re all kind of numb and anxious has more to do with technology than we think.

Personally, I don’t like my phone nearly as much as I used to even three years ago. I find fewer things of real value on it. And yet it’s always in my hand or in my pocket. Welcome to 2019.

There’s a tremendous irony, of course, in that you’re reading this post on a device, and this post only exists because of the very technology I’m critiquing. Duly noted.

But the reality is things are changing fast.  A decade ago, I honestly believed that technology was neither good evil, it just revealed and amplified what was already there. Kind of like paper—you can use it to write poetry, transcribe scripture, craft a novel, paint a masterpiece, or write hate mail.

There are really good things on the internet for sure (and I search those things out and try to make sure this space is one of them). There are also some great things. But negativism seem far more prevalent today than it did a decade ago. It’s like we’re increasingly sucked into a negative feedback loop no one is sure how to escape. And it’s happening at our fingertips.

Apparently, we live in an age where we no longer own our devices. Our devices own us. And when technology runs us, it can ruin us.

Here’s why and how I’m changing my mind about technology.

We live in an age where we no longer own our devices. Our devices own us. And when technology runs us, it can ruin us.Click To Tweet

1. Nothing that important is actually happening, although you think it is

I have a distinct advantage, I think, in being born before personal computers, let alone phones and devices, made their way into every home.

The advantage? I have a decent memory of what pre-digital life was like.

I remember using paper maps and not knowing if there was traffic ahead or not. I remember leaving our kids with sitters and having no way of knowing if they were okay until we got home—and they always were.

I drove thousands of miles in a car not worried about a breakdown because, well, if it happened, surely someone would come by in the next hour or two and I could get a ride into town for help.

And sometimes you just wandered into restaurants hoping the food was good.

The only want I knew what was happening in the world is if I turned on the radio or TV, and even then, you got a 3 minute summary of what was happening, not a constant drone (I’ve never been a 24 hour news channel watcher).

Any sense of shock, outrage or concern wasn’t triggered often, and when it was, it was because something truly shocking, outrageous or concerning happened.

Fast-forward to today, and every day, you encounter a thousand triggers for sadness, outrage, anger, empathy, hurt, and frustration that your ancestors never did.

Today, as your feed follows you everywhere telling you about everything you don’t need to know and can’t really process, your senses get tripped into overload. Your brain gets hijacked, and as Tristan Harris points out, tech companies are

Call it compassion fatigue, indifference or whatever you want to call it, you weren’t designed to process everything you’re processing. It leaves you feeling numb.

2. The Quality Of Your Work Is Increasingly Influenced By The Quantity of Your Likes

There’s a hard thing about doing good work.

Sometimes your best work doesn’t get immediate recognition. Sometimes real art gets rejected by your peers, great thinking gets criticized deeply, and new ideas that really are great ideas get shot down.

Take art for example. Vincent Van Gogh is a household name, he only sold one painting in his lifetime, to a Belgium art dealer seven months before he died. The reason he painted so many self-portraits is he couldn’t afford to pay any subjects to pose. In 1990, one of Van Gogh’s paintings sold for $148 million, and his works now hang in the finest museums in the world.

Imagine if Van Gogh had stopped painting because of a lack of validation in his lifetime.

Yet we increasingly live in a place where we look for instant validation. Write a post…if no one reads it, shares it or likes it, you and I are tempted to scrap it. And never write on the subject again. More than a few people have posted pic on Instagram, and if it didn’t get enough likes fast enough, they took it down.

Quantity of likes is beginning to shape the quality of our work. True, sometimes the fact that no one appreciates what you’re doing might be a clue it’s time to change direction. But also consider this: your best work might be something nobody appreciates, admires or even understands at first.

Never let the quality of your work be determined by the quantity of your likes. Instant responses are not an inherently reliable indicator of enduring value.

Do the work you’re called to do, even if no one fully understands or appreciates it at first…or at all.

Never let the quality of your work be determined by the quantity of your likes. Instant responses are not an inherently reliable indicator of enduring value.Click To Tweet

3. The anger and the envy aren’t helping anyone

So much of social these days is angry, and what isn’t angry often seems crafted to be jealousy-inducing or self-promoting.

Hate, narcissism, cynicism, insecurity and division fill our feeds. Notice that in the news cycle (whatever news source you favor) every thing is breaking news these days. It used to be breaking news happened when there was a disaster, or a crisis. Now, a simple response to something someone else said is spun as breaking news simply in a desperate, but effective, attempt to get your eyeballs.

As far as envy goes, more of us than ever are pretending to live lives that don’t actually exist. People with 300 followers are trying to act like celebrities who have millions of followers, and it’s just not that hard to make your life look more together than it really is.

The impact of all of this for me personally is that I’m increasingly bored with or discouraged by my phone. To the point where I probably won’t upgrade this fall, because…well, what’s the point.

So much of social these days is angry, and what isn’t angry often seems crafted to be jealousy-inducing or self-promoting.Click To Tweet

4. Meaningful Thinking Is Declining; Undigested Opinion is on the Rise

We live in an age where someone’s opinion about an issue becomes our opinion, where someone’s reaction to an issue becomes our reaction, or our reaction to their reaction becomes what we really think.

It’s all too easy to read a headline, watch a two minute video rant, scan a Reddit thread or see a status update and and believe we understand an issue.

Really?

We do live in a paradox in which attention spans are getting shorter and longer at the same time (long-form thinking and content is on the rise as well), but so much of what passes as content on social is mostly undigested thought.

A while ago I was at a conference and I quoted a well-known authorand got some negative emails about even mentioning him. Rather than reply in writing, I talked to the people in person about their concerns and in the process, asked them if they had ever read the author in question or listened to one of his talks. They hadn’t.

It’s fascinating (and a bit concerning) to me that we live in an age in which people can hold passionate opinions about something they know almost nothing about.

Sadly, this even includes our faith or lack of it.

If you push the ranting, raving and animated discussion aside and probe a little deeper, many people are three questions away from their worldview collapsing.

We live in an age in which people hold passionate opinions about something they know almost nothing about. Many people are three questions away from their worldview collapsing. Click To Tweet

How to Change the Trajectory

In light of all this, what do you do?

The internet is not going away any time soon and technology is going to continue to transform our planet, lives and families. And I’m not selling my devices and going back to a manual typewriter or fountain pen any time soon. I’ll continue to be an early adopter.

I also lead a virtual company these days that produces virtual content (this blog, my podcast, courses and more). It’s 100% technology enabled and dependent.

But using technology and using it well are two very different things.

It also seems, that like all things, good is not inevitable. Technology will not automatically make us or things better. How we use it, steward it, harness it and leverage it will be the difference.

You can use technology to do good or to do evil, and good is not inevitable. You have to work at it.

Here are few things that can help.

Using technology and using it well are two very different things.Click To Tweet

1. Be One of the Good People: Use Helpful and Real as Your Filters

When I think about the things that make a positive contribution online, helpful and real are two adjectives that spring to mind.

Tearing something down is a lot easier than building something. But it’s far more helpful to build than to tear down. One filter I try to use in everything I post or release is whether the material is helpful. 

Will this help people see things a little more clearly?

Solve a problem they’re trying to solve?

Help them tackle an issue they’re wrestling with?

If it won’t, I don’t publish it. I’m not sure I always get this right, but it’s a goal. And as much as critique is park of my work, I want my contribution to be encouraging, not discouraging, constructive not destructive. I think those are worth goals.

Second, be real.

You’re a real person. You don’t need to face-filter yourself to make yourself look better than you are. After all, the people who know you in real life see your wrinkles and know your teeth aren’t that white. Your social media and posts should share the real you, not the ideal you.

Share your good moments, but be honest about the bad ones. Even on my personal feed (which is pretty concentrated on Insta Stories these days, I’ll let mispronounced words stay on the feed, show my mistakes.) As much as you want to project an ideal, people connect with real.

Your social media and posts should share the real you, not the ideal you. As much as you want to project an ideal, people connect with real. Click To Tweet

2. Unfollow: Consume more strategically

You don’t have to follow angry, negative ranters. So don’t.

And look for thoughtful, intelligent people to follow. Look for longer form content that can carry an idea beyond a soundbite or phrase.

And…this is getting harder every year given our hyper-polarized culture—get out of your echo chamber and follow people who are different than you, who don’t think the way you think, believe exactly what you believe, or who vote the way you vote. Don’t follow them debate them. Follow them to learn from them.

A variety of viewpoints makes your viewpoint more nuanced, deeper and more intelligent.

3. Consume less. Reflect More.

I have to work hard at this, because it’s so easy to just stay on your phone all day.

Years ago, I turned almost all notifications off on my devices and I leave my phone on Do Not Disturb 99% of the time (unless I’m expecting something urgent…which is rare).

But I think it’s got to be deeper than that. Leave your devices behind. You really will survive.

Go for a walk and don’t count your steps.

Read a book made of paper.

Journal using a pen and paper.

Let your thoughts digest.

Have thoughts that aren’t just a reaction to what someone else was thinking.

Pray, reflect, absorb.

Consume less. Reflect more. You’ll have a much richer life, and my guess the anxiety you feel will lessen.

Content consumed without content processed is useless

Content consumed without content processed is useless.Click To Tweet

Time away from the digital space will make your contribution to it much richer.

Time away from the digital space will make your contribution to it much richer.Click To Tweet

Want to Reboot Your Life?

It is a crazy world, and if you’re not careful, it can take you under. That’s what happened to me, when after my first decade in leadership, I burned out.

If you’re trying to find the time for what matters most in life, my High Impact Leader course, is my online, on-demand course designed to help you get time, energy and priorities working in your favour.

Many leaders who have taken it are recovering 3 productive hours a day.  That’s about 1000 hours of found time each year. That’s a lot of time for what matters most.

Here are what some alumni are saying about The High Impact Leader Course”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing the course again. It has absolutely made an impact in my life and family already that I can’t even describe.” – Joel Rowland, Clayton County, North Carolina

“Just wow.  Thank you, thank you.” Dave Campbell,  Sioux Falls South Dakota

“A game changer.” Pam Perkins,  Colorado Springs, Colorado

Curious? Want to beat overwhelm and have the time to reflect, rest and reinvent yourself?

Click here to learn more or get instant access.

Thoughts?

What are your thoughts on technology and the quality of life you’re living?

Scroll down and leave a comment.

The post Why I’m Changing My Mind About Technology appeared first on CareyNieuwhof.com.

Source: Why I’m Changing My Mind About Technology

The post Why I’m Changing My Mind About Technology appeared first on Passion for Planting.

by Carey Nieuwhof: Let’s face it, you’d love to have ideal conditions to lead in. Who wouldn’t?

And while, ideally:

Your team would be perfectly motivated to achieve the mission

No good team member would ever leave

You’d be inspired to write every day

The people you’re trying to reach would be open and receptive

You’d introduce change without any fear or pushback

All your ideas would be great ideas

Life isn’t like that. At all.

And yet it’s easy to get into a place where you’re hesitant to act, constantly frustrated and thinking of quitting because things never seem like they’re as easy as they should be.

Yet here’s what’s true: if you waiting for perfect conditions to act in leadership, you’ll wait forever.

If you’re waiting for perfect conditions to act in leadership, you’ll wait forever.Click To Tweet

There Will Never Be…

There will never be

A surplus of amazing team members

Quite enough money

Thunderous applause every time you introduce a new idea

An absence of doubt when it’s time to pull the trigger

I feel this again and again. Whether it’s writing this blog (every post could be better), launching a new podcast episode (what am I missing that could make it better) or writing a book (I don’t know if this chapter measures up),  writing a sermon (this one isn’t as good as the last one) or hiring a team member (are we now over-staffed, understaffed???) conditions never seem ideal.

I have that even with cycling. I’m trying to hit a goal of 3500 km this year (about 2000 miles), and every day I think of going it’s a little too windy/cold/wet/hot/busy for me to hit the road.

You know the best way to hit a goal of 3500 km? Ride whether you want to or not.

Ditto with leadership. Lead whether you feel like it or not. Whether things are perfect or not.

Leaders have a bias for action and nothing produces traction like action.

The question is: how do you get there? What do you do if you’re still not sure conditions are right to act?

Here are a few things that continue to help me push through the inertia of life and leadership.

Leaders have a bias for action. Nothing produces traction like action.Click To Tweet

1. Focus on what you can control, not on what you can’t

It is so easy to focus on what you can’t control in leadership.

If you let your mind go there, there’s so much you can’t control. Here’s a very partial list of the things you can’t control:

Other people

The market,

Your team

The economy

The weather

Other people’s reactions

Your boss

Time

Other people’s actions

Honestly, the list could go on and on.

Here’s what you can control: you.

You can control your indecision, your willingness to act through fear, your response, your attitude, your determination, your willingness to try when everything else inside you wants to give up.

So many people focus on what they can’t control. Leaders focus on what they can control. Even if that’s a small list, think about what you can do, not what you can’t, and you’ll make far more progress.

You’ll also enjoy this life and leadership far more.

Focus on what you can control, not on what you can’t. Click To Tweet

2. Don’t Lie About How Bad It Is.  Then Act Anyway.

One of the leader’s first jobs is, as Jim Collins says, to confront the brutal facts.

I have seen way too many leaders publicly say their organization is growing when in fact it’s flat, or who pretend they’re financially healthy when they’re not.

Listen, I feel all those urges to spin, manipulate and pretend it’s better than it is. Don’t.

Leaders are dealers in hope, but we’re not dealers in deception.

An inferior (and unethical) way to lead is to tell people everything’s better than it is. “Everything’s fine. We’re doing great. I’m excited for the future.” Your best leaders can sense when there’s a gap between reality and your words. And they hate spin.

A much better way is to say “So we can see this is not our finest hour. We have our challenges. But I’m ready to move forward. We can make this far better than it is. If we all pull together, we’ll shape a much better future. Who’s ready to go?”

Be honest with yourself. Honest with God. Honest with your team.

A realistic assessment of the present creates the best basis from which to forge a better future.

A realistic assessment of the present creates the best basis from which to forge a better future.Click To Tweet

3. Focus on What You Can Do, Not On What You Can’t

This sounds like a repeat of the first point, it’s not.

You and I have both been in situations where there are 10 things we can’t do because we don’t have the money, time, or resources. It’s hard in that moment not just to call it a day.

Wise leaders look for the one or two things they can do. Then they do them.

When things are really down, ask yourself: what is the one thing I can do? There’s always something.

Then do it.

Maybe you can

Pick up the phone one more time.

Meet with the one capable lead who said she’s in.

Build your strategic plan around the one idea that survived

If you spend your days thinking about what you can’t do, you’ll do nothing.

If instead, you look for what’s possible, you’re far more likely to turn what’s possible into what’s probable. And maybe, just maybe, what’s possible will one day look like it was inevitable.

There are so many things today that seem inevitable that two decades ago seemed so unlikely: that people would share their cars (Uber, Lyft, Turo) or homes (Airbnb), or that photo sharing would replace photo printing as the primary way pictures are consumed (Instagram), or that people would have a seemingly endless capacity for creating and watching user-made videos (YouTube, Vimeo).

If you listen to the origin stories of many of these companies, most almost failed before they succeeded. But they kept focusing on what they could do, not on what they couldn’t.

Think about it.

There’s always a church planter (or transitioner) who has a thriving congregation in a city where churches don’t grow.

In every city there are retailers who have burgeoning businesses even as most other retail dies.

Leaders…focus on what you can do, not on what you can’t.

Leaders…focus on what you can do, not on what you can’t. Click To Tweet

4. Ditch Your Excuses

Underneath all of this is our tendency to make excuses.

There are always reasons not to do something. It usually is too cold/wet/hot/dry/tenuous/uncertain/fragile/unclear to do what you have in your heart to do.

But great lives are never built on excuses. Right now, your excuses seem quite compelling to you. But fast forward twenty years and tell your future self and everyone else why you didn’t act, why you didn’t do what you knew you were supposed to do. In the future, your excuses won’t sound compelling. They’ll actually sound sad.

Beside, excuses are the enemy of progress. You can make excuses, or you can make progress, but you can’t make both.

So what are you going to do?

Make excuses?

Or make progress.

Excuses are the enemy of progress. You can make excuses, or you can make progress, but you can’t make both. Click To Tweet

Get Over Yourself (And Find a Renewed You)

Find posts like this overwhelming because it leaves you wondering how on earth you’ll find time to do any of this?

When will you find time to push through the inertia and really dig into the problems you face? To take care of yourself in the process? And to forge a new future.

Let me help.

My approach to life and leadership changed radically for me over ten years ago when I figured out how to get time, energy and priorities working in my favour.

I’d love to help you free up hours each day to do the same thing. And I’ve helped over 5000 leaders do just that.

If you’re trying to find the time for what matters most in life, my High Impact Leader course, is my online, on-demand course designed to help you get time, energy and priorities working in your favour.

Many leaders who have taken it are recovering 3 productive hours a day.  That’s about 1000 hours of found time each year. That’s a lot of time for what matters most.

Here are what some alumni are saying about The High Impact Leader Course”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing the course again. It has absolutely made an impact in my life and family already that I can’t even describe.” – Joel Rowland, Clayton County, North Carolina

“Just wow.  Thank you, thank you.” Dave Campbell,  Sioux Falls South Dakota

“A game changer.” Pam Perkins,  Colorado Springs, Colorado

Curious? Want to beat overwhelm and have the time to reflect, rest and reinvent yourself?

Click here to learn more or get instant access.

What Helps You Lead?

The bottom line moving into the future?

Leaders who learn to launch in imperfect conditions will always have something to lead. Leaders who don’t, won’t.

Leaders who learn to launch in imperfect conditions will always have something to lead. Leaders who don’t, won’t.Click To Tweet

What helps you lead when conditions are imperfect?

Scroll down and leave a comment!

The post How to Lead Through Imperfect Conditions appeared first on CareyNieuwhof.com.

Source: How to Lead Through Imperfect Conditions

The post How to Lead Through Imperfect Conditions appeared first on Passion for Planting.

by Carey Nieuwhof: So how relevant are you as a leader?

Any idea how you’d answer that accurately?

You can debate how important relevance is all day long (and many do), but the truth is irrelevant leaders make almost no impact on the people or causes around them.

Why is that?

Well, it’s not about being current or cool. Relevance matters for one reason: it’s permission to speak into the culture. Our culture has a habit of not listening to people it deems irrelevant.

Relevance simply gains you a hearing. It determines whether or not people pay attention to you or whether they ignore you.

Relevance matters for one reason: it’s permission to speak into the culture. Our culture has a habit of not listening to people it deems irrelevant. Click To Tweet

Relevance isn’t necessarily an age thing. You can be relevant at 65 and irrelevant at 25. It’s more a mindset than it is anything else.

One often ignored factor that can push you toward irrelevance is, paradoxically, success.

Leaders who are part of growing or large organizations are especially prone to irrelevance unless they guard against it.

In fact, as we’ve discussed here more than a few times, the great enemy of your future success is your current success because your success makes you conservative.

When you had nothing to lose, change was easy. Now that you have something to lose, change is that much harder.

Your past success doesn’t guarantee your future success.

So whether your organization has momentum or whether it’s losing steam, here are 5 signs you’re becoming an irrelevant leader.

Your past success doesn’t guarantee your future success. The greatest enemy of your future success is your current success because success makes you conservative.Click To Tweet

1. You increasingly think most new ideas are bad ideas

Hey, it’s easy to resist new ideas. But if you think back, there was a time when you were likely really open to new ideas.

But as you get older and wiser, and you’ve got a way of doing things.

The human mind is great at preserving the status quo. You can think of 10 reasons why a new idea won’t work, and you and your team never hesitate to list them.

The leadership graveyard is filled with the bodies of leaders who say “We haven’t done it that way before.”

Not every new idea is a great idea, but embracing no new ideas is a terrible idea.

When was the last time you embraced a radical new idea? If you can’t answer that question, you’re already in trouble.

Not every new idea is a great idea, but embracing no new ideas is a terrible idea.Click To Tweet

2. The copyright dates on your resources are from another era

Have you checked the copyright date on what you’re currently reading/watching/listening to lately?

There’s nothing wrong the classics. Whether that’s books, movies or music. Wise leaders always learn from the past.

It’s one thing to learn from the past. It’s another to freeze in it.

Without thinking much about it, irrelevant leaders freeze in a certain year. You’ve walked into some offices and thought “Wow, it’s 1998 in here.”

You’ve seen some strategies at work and said to yourself, “This feels like 2005”.

If you hope to speak into the culture of today, you need to understand what’s happening today. So even if you prefer the past, study the present.

It’s one thing to learn from the past. It’s another to freeze in it. Even if you prefer the past, study the present.Click To Tweet

3. Everyone on your team is your age

This isn’t so much a problem if you’re twenty-two and just starting out. To have a young leadership team of idealistic people is an awesome thing.

Sure, some wisdom wouldn’t hurt, but still, the world often gets changed by young leaders on a mission.

But what happens is that twenty-year-olds eventually turn 30. Fast forward a bit, and everyone on your senior leadership team is in their mid-fifties.

That’s a big issue.

Left uncorrected, organizations tend to age with their leader.

As a leader in my fifties, I’ve had to be incredibly intentional about surrounding myself with leaders in their 20s and 30s, something that really energizes me.

You may not have the chemistry or familiarity with younger leaders that you do with your peers who have been through life with you, but renewing the leadership table with younger leaders is critical.

It’s easy for older leaders to think that younger leaders are too young to lead.

You were too, once. And someone took a chance on you anyway. And you did some of your best work then too, didn’t you?

Left uncorrected, churches tend to age with their senior leader.Click To Tweet

4. Change makes you tired

Change is difficult at the best of times, but if even the sound of change makes you tired, it’s a sign that you’re becoming irrelevant.

It’s normal to default to the status quo. We all do.

A few years ago, my dentist told me I needed at least five crowns. The thought of that made me feel tired and broke all at once.

I got a bit of the work done but then took a break.

One afternoon I was eating some cereal and I noticed something that didn’t feel like cereal in my mouth. It was half a molar.

Guess where I went the next day?

Too often, that’s exactly how we approach change in the church. We wait until something breaks, and then we’ll try to fix it.

That may work with a tooth, but it’s a terrible strategy for leaders (okay, and for dentistry).

In our rapidly changing culture, waiting until something breaks to fix is one of the fastest ways to ensure you become irrelevant.

If change makes you tired, I promise you, the slow death of your organization will make you even more tired.

If change makes you tired, I promise you, the slow death of your organization will make you even more tired.Click To Tweet

5. Your dominant emotions toward to culture are negative

This is a loaded point…but it’s important.

If social media is any gauge of how many leaders feel about our culture, we’re in trouble.

And even if you’re not posting on your social media is ALL CAPS, telling the world how bad it is, your attitude still matters.

Negativity leaks.

Constantly criticizing people is no way to reach them.

As a Christian leader, I am constantly reminded that Jesus loved the world. He saw the mess, the brokenness, the godlessness and embraced us anyway.

Jesus loved the world enough to die for it.

You should care enough about the world to do the same.

Negativity leaks. Constantly criticizing people is no way to reach them.Click To Tweet

Multiply Your Leadership (And Time)

Find posts like this overwhelming because it leaves you wondering how on earth you’ll find time to do any of this?

When will you have time to read more? How can you find the time to restructure your organization? Or find the energy to lead change?

Let me help.

My approach to life and leadership changed radically for me over ten years ago when I figured out how to get time, energy and priorities working in my favour.

I’d love to help you free up hours each day to do the same thing. And I’ve helped over 5000 leaders do just that.

If you’re trying to find the time for what matters most in life, my High Impact Leader course, is my online, on-demand course designed to help you get time, energy and priorities working in your favour.

Many leaders who have taken it are recovering 3 productive hours a day.  That’s about 1000 hours of found time each year. That’s a lot of time for what matters most.

Here are what some alumni are saying about The High Impact Leader Course”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing the course again. It has absolutely made an impact in my life and family already that I can’t even describe.” – Joel Rowland, Clayton County, North Carolina

“Just wow.  Thank you, thank you.” Dave Campbell,  Sioux Falls South Dakota

“A game changer.” Pam Perkins,  Colorado Springs, Colorado

Curious? Want to beat overwhelm and have the time to reflect, rest and reinvent yourself?

Click here to learn more or get instant access.

Speaking of Relevance: Two Don’t-Miss Events This Fall

One of the best ways to stay relevant is to keep learning and growing.

Registration for two premiere events opens TODAY (Thursday June 13th).

Orange Tour 2019 with Reggie Joiner, Jon Acuff and many others will help you reach the next generation. Orange Tour is coming to 15 US cities this fall. I’ll be speaking in Irvine CA, Phoenix AZ and Austin TX.

You can register for Orange Tour here and get the best rates.

And Andy Stanley is heading to four cities this fall with his Irresistible Tour…picking up where his best selling book of the same name left-off.

Register today and get the best rates.

What Do You Think?

What do you see as signs of relevance or irrelevance?

Scroll down and leave a comment!

The post 5 Signs You’re Becoming an Irrelevant Leader appeared first on CareyNieuwhof.com.

Source: 5 Signs You’re Becoming an Irrelevant Leader

The post 5 Signs You’re Becoming an Irrelevant Leader appeared first on Passion for Planting.

by Carey Nieuwhof: Leadership is a journey…a journey that’s probably different than you thought it would be before you stepped into leadership.

When I was young, I always thought top leaders had it all figured out. That the uncertainty would one day disappear once I had more life and leadership under my belt.

But as you eventually learn, it doesn’t really work that way.

In fact, I think most leaders struggle more than they let on. I know personally, at one point or another, I’ve struggled in each of the areas listed below. But, at the time, because I didn’t want to tell anyone how I really felt, I kept mostly quiet.

Looking back, I realize for too long I kept far too much of it to myself.

You know what keeping it to yourself does, right?

It leaves you isolated. And the silence gives fear power—power it should never have.

Just to let you know you’re not alone, and to break the power of darkness by cracking some daylight, here are 12 secrets most leaders won’t tell you.

Silence gives fear power. Power it should never have.Click To Tweet

1. I’m less secure than I appear

For most leaders, the together exterior doesn’t always match the fragile interior.

Security is a journey for sure…a tough one. Most people don’t like insecure leaders. But insecurity is a trap…the more insecure you are, the more you resist telling anyone you’re insecure. And the more they dislike you.

If it helps, I outline 5 signs you’re an insecure leader in this post, and 5 ways to become a more secure leader here.

I think the best way to start dealing with your insecurity is to admit it, and deal with it.

A counsellors’ offices and a safe friend are great places to start with that by the way. So is prayer.

For most leaders, the together exterior doesn’t always match the fragile interior.Click To Tweet

2. I secretly worry I’m failing

Leadership is complex and involves going through seasons of unpopularity.

It also involves making tough calls that can make you feel like you’re failing. Add to that challenges at home and unresolved issues from the past, and it can get crushing at times.

The negative voices in you head can get loud, and while people online debate who’s the G.O.A.T, you secretly feel like you’re simply the goat.

3. I’m lonelier than I let on

Isolation is a problem throughout our culture these days.

Strangely, technology has made us more connected than we’ve ever been before, yet we’ve never felt more alone.

But leadership adds a new dimension. Because leaders deal with challenges others don’t naturally understand, it gets even more lonely.

Add to that the fact that most of us who are driven type leaders don’t do relationships easily, and sometimes it’s lonelier than it needs to be.

Strangely, technology has made us more connected than we’ve ever been before, yet we’ve never felt more alone. Click To Tweet

4. It’s hard at home sometimes

Instagram lies. It’s not always easy at home.

It’s gotten better over the years, but there have been seasons in my leadership where my family got too much of my unfiltered stress. Not fair. Not fair at all. But true.

Home is hard. Work is hard. Put the two together in an ill-thought through combination and it can be lethal.

I really believe that, in the long run, everything rides on how you lead at home.

Instagram lies. It’s not always easy at home.Click To Tweet

5. The criticism hurts

We pretend the criticism doesn’t hurt, but it does, whether we admit it or not.

We put our poker faces on, but deep down it stings.

There are ways to handle criticism like a pro, not a toddler. Acknowledging it hurts is a great first step.

6. I’m afraid to ask for what I really want

I’ve usually been pretty forward in my leadership and I’m grateful for an incredibly honest dialogue I have with my team where I serve.

But there are seasons where I’ve been afraid to ask for what I really want. And even as I type those words I think “That sounds so selfish.”

But sometimes you just need a vacation. Or, especially when your family is young and you’re just starting out, you need a raise. Or you need more staff.

Or you need someone to have your back. Or you need a friend. Or you need a decision to go your way.

You’re just afraid to ask.

You know what I’ve found? Almost every time I’ve asked, someone said “Why didn’t you ask sooner? We’d love to help.”

See what secrets and silence do?

Solitude is a gift from God. Isolation is a tool of the enemy.

Solitude is a gift from God. Isolation is a tool of the enemy.Click To Tweet

7. I’ve thought about leaving even though I’m staying

You’ve thought about leaving, even though you’re staying…true? Of course it’s true, unless you just started last Tuesday, and even then…

Everyone goes through seasons of doubt and questions about the future.

But when you sit in silence with this one for too long, you end up waffling. Not staying, but not leaving either. You end up putting in half an effort, and you’re half the leader you could be.

Not sure if you should go? Here are 7 signs it’s time to leave.

8. I have a secret job

One of the reasons leadership is hard is because you deal with so many intangibles. It’s brain work. People management. Conflict management. Getting people to do things they wouldn’t ordinarily do.

On bad days, many leaders I know dream of doing something entirely different. For a season, my escape job was to stack boxes in a warehouse. Because at least if you moved a box, it stayed moved.

9. Sometimes I dream of escaping

In my unhealthy seasons in leadership, I’d dream of escaping. Not only would I stack boxes in a warehouse for a living, I’d do just about anything except what I’m doing.

If that thought lingers for more than a season, you either need to get healthier and stay in the job you’re doing, or if you are healthy, it may simply be a sign it’s time to find a new job.

10. I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing

Eventually you reach a level of leadership, either because you’ve been at it long enough or because whatever you’re leading got big enough, that you realize there are no clear answers. There just aren’t.

You surrounded yourself with the smartest people you could and you realize that even the smart people don’t know what to do.

That’s where real leadership begins—when you feel like you don’t really know what you’re doing, but you keep doing anyway.

That’s how history gets changed. You were just the last person standing, even though inside it felt like sheer confusion.

You know you’re leading at a high level when even the smart people don’t know what to do.Click To Tweet

11. People seem to believe in me more than I believe in myself some days

When you’ve been through #9 enough times, you will be ready to give up believing in yourself. But you look around and realize other people keep believing in you.

That’s exactly what you need. You’re likely leading very well if enough of the good people keep believing in you.

So when you stop believing in you, keep believing in the people who believe in you.

So when you stop believing in you, keep believing in the people who believe in you.Click To Tweet

12. I thought we would have made more progress by now

You don’t want to say it out loud, but you really do think you would have made more progress by now.

You look at all the overnight successes and think “How come that wasn’t me?” This only works, of course, until you look more closely at the overnight successes only to realize almost all of them were 5-15 years in the making.

The fact that your vision is bigger than your reality is paradoxically a sign that you’re a good leader.

So keep being mildly disappointed, because it will always spur you on to more.

I was talking recently to someone who became an ‘overnight’ TV star. When I really drilled down on his story, it went back to VHS tapes in the early nineties. No one knows that part of the story, but again, a lot of the time when people think someone just emerged overnight, it’s only because that leader has been working harder for years, sometimes decade.

The part about overnight success no one really understands is that it’s usually a very long night.

So keep working.

And one day when it’s over you’ll look back and be amazed at how much you actually accomplished.

The part about overnight success no one really understands is that it’s usually a very long night.Click To Tweet

How To Stay In It For the Long Haul

All of the things I share above got me into an unhealthy place years ago in leadership. They led me to burnout.

It’s been over a decade since I burned out, and since then, I’ve learned how to live in a much healthier way. And while we all have bad days (I do too), the changes I’ve experienced in organizing my time, energy and priorities differently is monumental.

I’d love to help you get into a much better place in life and leadership.

That’s what my High Impact Leader Course is all about.

The High Impact Leader course, is an online, on-demand course designed to help you get time, energy and priorities working in your favour.

Here are what some alumni are saying about The High Impact Leader Course”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing the course again. It has absolutely made an impact in my life and family already that I can’t even describe.” – First Priority, Clayton County, North Carolina

“A lot of books and programs make big promises and cannot deliver but this is not one of them. I have read so many books and watched videos on productivity but the way you approach it and teach is helpful and has changed my work week in ministry in amazing ways.” Chris Sloan, Tanglewood Church, Kingston, North Carolina

“Just wow.  Thank you, thank you.” Dave Campbell, Invitation Church, Sioux Falls South Dakota

Curious? Want to beat overwhelm, discouragement and frustration in leadership and have the time to reinvent yourself?

Click here to learn more or get instant access.

What Are Your Secrets?

What thoughts do you have that you have a hard time admitting to anyone else?

I’d love to hear them.

And what’s yours experience with these 11?

Scroll down and leave a comment!

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Source: 12 Secrets Most Leaders Won’t Tell You

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By Carey Nieuwhof: Guess what’s impacting your leadership more thank you think?

Culture.

Specifically, the culture you’re creating as a leader.

Often I hear leaders complain about the toxic people they have in their organization (staff, customers, volunteers, attenders). To be sure, that happens.

But if you always have toxic people in your culture, or you have a lot of toxic people in your culture, the problem may not be them nearly as much as the problem is your culture.

Here’s the truth about culture.

Create a healthy culture and toxic people will leave.

Let your culture go flat or get toxic, and the healthy people will depart.

Why? Because:

A healthy culture spits out toxic people.

A toxic culture spits out healthy people.

Here’s the surprise. No one gets kicked out. They just leave when they can’t get traction or validation.

A healthy culture spits out toxic people. And a toxic culture spits out healthy people. Here’s the surprise. No one gets kicked out. They just leave when they can’t get traction or validation. Click To Tweet

This truth runs deeper than you realize.

I agree that people who leave organizations quit their boss more than they quit their job. But people also quit cultures. Healthy people quit unhealthy cultures. And unhealthy people quit healthy cultures.

As a result, the staff, volunteer and overall culture you create as a leader has an awful lot to do with the long term success or failure of your organization.

Pick whatever cultural values you want, but fundamentally, your culture will either be healthy or slide into unhealthy or toxic.

You either decide to create an organization in which healthy people thrive, or you experience the inevitable slide into malaise, unhealthiness or toxicity. That’s just how human nature works.

You may be wondering what the difference is between an unhealthy person and a toxic person. While there are nuances, here’s the bottom line: unhealthy people want to get better. Toxic people don’t.

Your organization should always have room for unhealthy people on the road to recovery. Toxic people who resist all efforts to help are a whole other thing. And as Henry Cloud argues, you really don’t need to keep them around, unless you want them to destroy everything.

So what do you do about all this?

If you want to create a stellar organization culture that attracts and keeps healthy people, here are four keys:

People who leave organizations quit their boss more than they quit their job. But it’s deeper than that. People also quit cultures.Click To Tweet

1. Focus on Your Personal Health

I have been in senior leadership for over two decades. As much as I don’t want to admit it, it’s still true: my organization will only ever be as healthy as I am.

Ditto for you. Fight it all you want, but your organization will only ever be as healthy as you are as the leader.

Even if you’re not the senior leader, that’s true of the team you lead, the department you run, or the crew you manage. The health of the leader tends to be the health of the team.

Your organization will only ever be as healthy as you are as the leader. Click To Tweet

I think of the health of a leader in five categories:

Spiritual
Emotional
Relational
Physical
Financial

While health in each category is nuanced (I write about the personal health of a leader in detail in my best selling book, Didn’t See It Coming), one thing is true: health in each category means margin in each category.

A healthy leader has a fairly full spiritual, emotional, relational and physical tank. They’re not exhausted all the time, or constantly irritable, or so consumed with giving to others than they’re almost bankrupt themselves.

You may wonder what being financially healthy looks like. It’s simple: living within your means. There are leaders who make $30,000 a year who have a bit of money in the bank and leaders who make $130,000 who are always strapped and out of money. When your personal financial situation causes you stress, that stress just leaks out all over the place.

Healthy leaders tend to lead healthy organizations because they end with reserves to help others get healthy, and they also have a lower tolerance for toxicity.

Finally, healthy people are attracted to healthy leaders.

Healthy people are attracted to healthy leaders. Toxic people aren’t.Click To Tweet

2. Invest in People, Not Just Results

I’m naturally a results people.

But I’ve also come to realize this: that results-driven leaders focus over what they can get from their team. Healthy leaders obsess over what they can do for their team.

Strangely, if all you think about is what you can get from your team, you always end up with diminishing returns. People feel used, and they eventually lose heart, start going through the motions or leave.

But if you focus on what you can do for your team, people lean in and give you way more than you imagined.

Results-driven leaders focus over what they can get from their team. Healthy leaders obsess over what they can do for their team. Click To Tweet

The longer I lead, the more I realize that if you have competent people,  the best thing you can do is care about the team as people.

I’ve found a few things really help:

Ask how they’re doing, not just what they’re doing. People want to know that you care.
Invest in their growth and development.

Do off-sites together.
Take them to conferences, events and seminars.
Invest in courses, books and resources that grow them and their skill set.
Get them coaching and counselling as needed.

Give them what they need to do the job. Everything from slow computers, to bad wifi, to a crappy work environment all demotivate people and create unnecessary barriers. Cheap is always more expensive in the long run anyway.

If you have little budget, start with free. There are literally hundreds of thousands of free articles, e-books, podcasts and courses you can do together to grow as leaders. I have a Leadership Podcast that’s free and comes with free show notes and transcripts, and I have free courses as well (select what your biggest leadership challenges is here and you’re in!)

Bottom line? Create the kind of environment where the people working for you become better people, not just employees. Grow them, not just their skills.

When your team grows personally, your progress grows exponentially.

When your team grows personally, your progress grows exponentially. Click To Tweet

3. Get Rid of Us and Them Thinking

In any health organization or church, there’s no us and them, there’s only we.

This can granular fast.

If you have multiple locations, it’s easy to talk about ‘those guys.” There’s no those guys. They’re you.

Ditto with departments, divisions, management, leadership team…whatever. As soon as someone begins to say that ‘they’ won’t let us or ‘they’ want something different, the end is near.

In a really unhealthy culture, organizations blame their customers or members.

They’re so demanding.

They just don’t get it.

How can they be so dumb?

Seriously—the very people you’re trying to serve/reach/encourage/engage are the brunt of your frustrations?

Trust me, as a leader I would love to live in a world where I could blame people for everything. And on the inside, I still want to.

But I also know that ultimately, I’m responsible for everything I don’t like in our organization because I’m the leader.

That doesn’t mean you ignore real problems or put lip gloss over all the problems you encounter as a leader.

I love what Craig Groeschel frames it. When there’s a genuine problem that needs to be fixed, be that with teams, divisions, locations, departments on the people you serve, instead of blaming them, say:

We haven’t led them to be less demanding.

I haven’t been clear enough for them to understand the situation, so let me work harder.

I have to figure out what the real problem is and solve it.

If you eliminate ‘they’ and ‘them’ from your leadership vocabulary and replace it with “I’ or “we” great things start to happen.

First, you take responsibility. If you’re the leader, you’re responsible.

Second, your heart shifts. You no longer see others as a the problem; you realize your job is to serve and help them.

Third, you’ll likely solve the problem.

Blame is the opposite of responsibility. When you stop blaming and making excuses, you start making progress, because you can make excuses or you can make progress, but you can’t make both.

Blame is the opposite of responsibility. When you stop blaming and making excuses, you start making progress, because you can make excuses or you can make progress, but you can’t make both. Click To Tweet

4. Create Firm Boundaries

Once you have a healthy/ier organization, the key is to stay healthy at the top—at the senior leadership levels.

If you find yourself getting unhealthy, call it out and seek help. If someone else on the team gets into a bad season, come along side them and see if they want to get well. If they do, embrace them and stand behind them. If they don’t, don’t let their negativity infect your organization.

And when you spot a toxic person, don’t let them step in. Don’t hire them. Don’t let them serve or volunteers. If they’re really toxic, you may not want them even in a group.

Before you push back, remember, the distinction between an unhealthy person and a toxic person is the desire to get well. If someone has no desire to get well, you won’t be able to help them.

Don’t let the ill-health of one person destroy the health of your team.

With a firm boundary in place, usually toxic people give up and go elsewhere. And in a healthy culture in the rare occasion you need to ask them to, that one awkward conversation and firm boundary is completely worth it—for them and for you.

Don’t let the ill-health of one person destroy the health of your team.Click To Tweet

How A Healthy Culture Perpetuates Itself

While there’s a lot more to creating a healthy culture, I find that even focusing on these three produces huge gains.

First, when the culture is healthy, unhealthy people who want to get well find that they do.

Because so many workplaces have an unhealthy culture—and so many families do as well—people first are startled by health, but eventually a healthy organization becomes a magnet for people who get healthy or want to get well.

And for toxic people? Well, because they can’t seem to get a toe-hold, and the culture won’t change to meet their dysfunction, they move on looking for less healthy places to belong to.

This virtuous cycle will keep going as long as you stay healthy as a leader and surround yourself with a healthy, growing team.

If You’re Ready to Get Healthy…

So how do you get to a place where you even have the time to get healthy?

I’d love to show you how to carve out time, create space and eliminate distractions in your life so you can focus on what matters most and get healthy.

If you’re trying to find the time for what matters most in life, my High Impact Leader course, is my online, on-demand course designed to help you get time, energy and priorities working in your favour.

Many leaders who have taken it are recovering 3 productive hours a day.  That’s about 1000 hours of found time each year. That’s a lot of time for what matters most.

Here are what some alumni are saying about The High Impact Leader Course”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing the course again. It has absolutely made an impact in my life and family already that I can’t even describe.” – First Priority, Clayton County, North Carolina

“Carey’s course was the perfect way for our team to prepare for the new year. Our team, both collectively and individually, took a fresh look at maximizing our time and leadership gifts for the year ahead. I highly recommend this leadership development resource for you and your team.” Jeff Henderson, Gwinnett Church, Atlanta Georgia

“A lot of books and programs make big promises and cannot deliver but this is not one of them. I have read so many books and watched videos on productivity but the way you approach it and teach is helpful and has changed my work week in ministry in amazing ways.” Chris Sloan, Tanglewood Church, Kingston, North Carolina

“Just wow.  Thank you, thank you.” Dave Campbell, Invitation Church, Sioux Falls South Dakota

“A game changer.” Pam Perkins, Red Rock Church, Colorado Springs, Colorado

Curious? Want to beat overwhelm and have the time to reinvent yourself?

Click here to learn more or get instant access.

What Do You Think?

I realize this isn’t an easy post, but what do you think? What do you see as the key to a healthy culture?

Scroll down and leave a comment!

The post 4 Keys To Creating a Healthy Culture That Naturally Resists Toxic People appeared first on CareyNieuwhof.com.

Source: 4 Keys To Creating a Healthy Culture That Naturally Resists Toxic People

The post 4 Keys To Creating a Healthy Culture That Naturally Resists Toxic People appeared first on Passion for Planting.

by Carey Nieuwhof: Dear Discouraged  Leader,

Being a leader isn’t the easiest thing in the world. But it isn’t the hardest thing in the world either.

You’re not alone. Leadership is hard at times. In fact, if you’re really leading, there’s rarely a season that isn’t filled with challenges.

Just as you solve one problem, two more pop up. You solve them, and out of the corner of your eye, spot the next one.

I get it.

After seeing leader after leader struggle with discouragement and want to quit long before their calling ran out, I wanted to write this note (HT to Casey Graham).

None of us really feel like the most successful person on earth. I don’t. You don’t.

And even though things are going well at the moment and I have so much to be thankful for, I spend too many days wondering whether I’m missing something or feeling like we should be making more progress than we should.

You know what it’s like… The weight of:

Budget and expenses
People who promise the moon but never even deliver the earth
New people who say they’re in and then walk out
Your leadership feeling like it’s always under a microscope
Not being where you thought you would be at this point in your leadership or life
Uncertainty. Constant uncertainty.
Team members you’re struggling with and just don’t know how to deal with
Knowing your organization isn’t perfect and wishing it would be but knowing it won’t ever be
Lack of gratitude; in others and in you
Feeling let down by others
You letting yourself down
Seeing other people’s organizations & speaking & believing they have it easier than you do

And on and on and on it goes…

This is the side of leadership they never teach you in college.

So I want you to know something.  The discouragement you feel inside is real & coming from somewhere. Think about this and let this sink in for a while today:

The happiest and healthiest people are those whose expectations meet reality.

What do you do with that?

Here are five questions every discouraged leader would do well to ask themselves before they give up or give in.

The happiest & healthiest people are those whose expectations meet reality.Click To Tweet

1. What Do I Expect My Organization to Give Me?

No organization will ever give you ultimate peace, fulfillment, joy, purpose, or anything like that. Not even a church.  If you are expecting that from being a leader, you won’t find it.

If you are constantly discouraged or frustrated about your organization, it might be because you are hoping it will give you something only God can give you.

And when you look to people or things to give you what only God can give you, you’re signing up for misery.

When you look to people or things to give you what only God can give you, you’re signing up for misery.Click To Tweet

2. Who Do I Hope Will Affirm Me?

This is a big one.

We all look for affirmation from people.

Here’s something someone told me a long time ago that I really don’t like because it’s really so true: Never expect the people you lead to affirm you. 

It’s not fair to them. And ultimately it’s not fair to you.

Your job is to lead them, not to get them to try to affirm you.

Hey, if it comes…awesome. Consider that a bonus. But if you keep looking to them for their praise, you’ll end up sliding down the slippery slope under question 3….

Never expect the people you lead to affirm you. (Your job is to lead them, not to get them to try to affirm you.) Click To Tweet

3. Who Am I Trying to Please?

You will never please your employees or the people you serve fully.  It’s impossible because we are imperfect people & they are as well.

If you are trying to please other church leader or get recognized, you will be miserable.  You can never keep up with anyone else’s expectations. And you’ll let yourself, your family and ultimately God down.

If you focused on being liked, you won’t lead. You’re insistence on pleasing everyone will mean you ultimately please no one.

Not to mention yourself.

If you focused on being liked, you won’t lead. You’re insistence on pleasing everyone will mean you ultimately please no one.Click To Tweet

4. How Honest Am I Being With Myself and Others?

If you stuff your leadership failures & missed expectations instead of dealing with them, you will implode or explode one day.  Your discouragement & mine often comes from stuffing things we should just admit and deal with.

If you have a problem with another person, be completely honest with them.  If you are mad at somebody, tell them.

If somebody let you down, let them now.  If you have let yourself down, tell a friend.

Lying and pretending leads to misery.  Just say it. I have done this numerous times and it’s terrible up front but so freeing in the end. And you know what?

Much of the time you end up saving the relationship.

If you won’t be honest with others, you also won’t be able to truly lead them.

If you won’t be honest with others, you also won’t be able to truly lead them.Click To Tweet

5. What Lie Am I Believing?

Gurus make it seem so easy don’t they? Go to their conference or buy their product and all your problems disappear. Did you ever buy into that lie at some point?

Chances are you thought leadership would be easier. Well, that’s just a lie.

Identify the lie you are believing & you will crush some of the discouragement.  The lie that marketers sell you is really killing your spirit. We only need to look at the scripture to discover that leadership was rarely easy.

Your discouragement isn’t just discouragement.  It’s a symptom of something deeper going on.  If you want to create a healthy culture in your organization, you can’t live mad all the time.  You can’t be frustrated 24/7.  Take a step today & answer these questions honestly.

I believe it will help you beat your discouragement & get back on the growth track.

It’s a lie to say leadership is easy. It’s the absolute truth, though, that humble, determined, committed leadership is worth it.

It’s a lie to say leadership is easy. It’s the absolute truth, though, that humble, determined, committed leadership is worth it. Click To Tweet

Let’s Get You Thriving

You know what makes leadership harder than it needs to be?

Overwhelm. And almost every leader I know is overwhelmed.

Let me show you how to beat that.

Want to find far more time at work and at home?  Want to really crack not just getting a day off, but finding more time for what matters most every single day?

It’s very possible…and I’d love to help you get on top of your everything so you can get your life and leadership back.

If you’re trying to find the time for what matters most in life, my High Impact Leader course, is my online, on-demand course designed to help you get time, energy and priorities working in your favour.

Many leaders who have taken it are recovering 3 productive hours a day.  That’s about 1000 hours of found time each year. That’s a lot of time for what matters most.

Here are what some alumni are saying about The High Impact Leader Course”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing the course again. It has absolutely made an impact in my life and family already that I can’t even describe.” – First Priority, Clayton County, North Carolina

“Carey’s course was the perfect way for our team to prepare for the new year. Our team, both collectively and individually, took a fresh look at maximizing our time and leadership gifts for the year ahead. I highly recommend this leadership development resource for you and your team.” Jeff Henderson, Gwinnett Church, Atlanta Georgia

“A lot of books and programs make big promises and cannot deliver but this is not one of them. I have read so many books and watched videos on productivity but the way you approach it and teach is helpful and has changed my work week in ministry in amazing ways.” Chris Sloan, Tanglewood Church, Kingston, North Carolina

“Just wow.  Thank you, thank you.” Dave Campbell, Invitation Church, Sioux Falls South Dakota

“A game changer.” Pam Perkins, Red Rock Church, Colorado Springs, Colorado

Curious? Want to beat overwhelm and have the time to reinvent yourself?

Click here to learn more or get instant access.

What Helps You Beat Discouragement?

We all get discouraged. What helps you beat it?

Scroll down and leave a comment!

The post Dear Discouraged Leader (5 Questions to Ask Before You Implode) appeared first on CareyNieuwhof.com.

Source: Dear Discouraged Leader (5 Questions to Ask Before You Implode)

The post Dear Discouraged Leader (5 Questions to Ask Before You Implode) appeared first on Passion for Planting.