Source: Diffusing an Angry Volunteer

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by Shawn Lovejoy: Has your team ever gotten along just enough to keep moving along? Conflict goes unresolved, under-performers skate by with no accountability, toxicity becomes the norm and morale is non-existent? Some organizations exist in that space. Having harmony on the exterior while tension exists just under the surface. Artificial harmony beneath the surface eventually leads to disunity at the surface. 

These are the moments when leaders lead. Leadership requires daily courageous conversations! Especially with people who aren’t getting the job done or don’t display the values to which we claim to hold.

As you wade into these conversations, I want to give you some “worst practices” to avoid at all costs.

Assigning Blame

So many leaders enter a coaching or corrective conversation ready to blame the other person. Rather than placing blame on the person you’re meeting with, level the playing field by starting the conversation with, “It could just be me, but…” before confronting the issue at hand. Avoiding accusation opens people up to receive development from you rather than being defensive towards you. Pre-deciding someone is to blame blocks you from being able hear that person’s side of the story. Besides, people who blame things rarely change things. Don’t assign blame, lead for change.

Texting Rather Than Talking

Tone, facial expressions, volume and posture often communicate deeper than words. Guess what, none of those things can be conveyed better than face-to-face. Too many leaders rely on text, direct messages or email to handle conflict. Almost every time you do this, your team reads your message through the lens of a worst case scenario. When it comes to quick relays of information or details, text and email work well. For a hard conversation, face-to-face is the only acceptable way to engage. Let me be clear, texting a hard conversation is the opposite of courageous and does more harm than good. 

Assuming the Worst

Most of us are overexposed to negativity. We’re almost hardwired to think the worst about a person or their motives before we know the truth. Discipline your emotions to assume the best about the team member you’re having a difficult conversation with. Assumptions influence outcomes. When you are intentional about searching for good in others, they can sense that and often respond accordingly. Entering these tough discussions by assuming the best also reshapes how you see people. When you look for the gold in people you don’t focus as much on the dirt.

When you handle conflict the right way, you bring peace to your team and life. Deal with these conversations using “worst practices” like this, and your result will be drama! Drama in your organization, on your team, in your relationships, in your leadership and in your life!

Conflict is inevitable; but Drama is a choice. Courageous conversations are one key to creating a drama-free organization…but it’s just one of the keys!

You’re invited to join me for a free training designed to help you “drama-proof” your culture. Join me on October 15th at 10amCST for “Creating a Drama Free Culture.” All you have to do is SIGN UP HERE!

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Source: The Wrong Way To Have Hard Conversations

The post The Wrong Way To Have Hard Conversations appeared first on Passion for Planting.

Thanks for listening to this week’s unSeminary podcast. This week we have Judy West chatting with us. She is the Pastor of Leadership Development at The Crossing in St. Louis.

The Crossing has four locations in St. Louis and can also be experienced online. Judy is with us today to talk about the class the church created to help followers of Christ become more emotionally healthy as part of their leadership development.

Solve conflicts with Jesus. // A church is filled with broken people and we as our lives bump against one another, friction occurs. Judy and the staff at The Crossing wanted to figure out how to teach people to bump with each other well. Part of this exploration meant asking questions such as, how do you solve conflicts the way Jesus teaches? How do you set appropriate boundaries?Body Life, a 5 week class. // In response, the team developed a five week class called Body Life. The basic premise of the class is based on a prayer by Jesus in John 17 in which He asks that the people He leaves behind are one, just as He is one with God.How to focus and forgive. // In week 1, the focus is on painting that picture of oneness as seen in John 17. The second week is teaching how to be one even though everyone is different from each other. Week 2 also touches on spiritual gifts. We can be one but we are all different, and so week 3 teaches how to set boundaries. Week 4 teaches what to do when bumps with each other occur. This week includes conflict night, in which the participants role play resolving conflict with each other. And then week 5 is focused on how to forgive one another when these bumps occur. Teach how to deal with conflict. // The class teaches everyone that you don’t have to be afraid of conflict. After the teaching, the people then talk with everyone about what happened inside, were they nervous or scared, and why. They talk about family origins while growing up and how conflict was dealt with. The class then goes on teaching how to deal with conflict through the steps of Matthew 18. First discuss the problem in private and what the issue is before approaching the solution.Skills and words in confrontation. // People often have trouble discussing problems with others. The class provides participants with words and sentences to use in confrontations. Participants learn to ask permission to question issues and to push back on the other person, clarifying the things that have been said. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. // In approaching the confrontation, stick to the teaching of HALT. Don’t approach someone to question them if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Take care of those issues first, then walk into the Matthew 18 way of having a conversation in a humble way.

You can learn more about The Crossing at their church thecrossing.church and grab Lead Pastor Greg Holder’s book, The Genius of One: God’s Answer for Our Fractured World right here. Judy also helps oversee an executive pastor group for women with the Women Executive Pastors at wxpastors.com.

Thank You for Tuning In!

There are a lot of podcasts you could be tuning into today, but you chose unSeminary, and I’m grateful for that. If you enjoyed today’s show, please share it by using the social media buttons you see at the left hand side of this page. Also, kindly consider taking the 60-seconds it takes to leave an honest review and rating for the podcast on iTunes, they’re extremely helpful when it comes to the ranking of the show and you can bet that I read every single one of them personally!

Lastly, don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, to get automatic updates every time a new episode goes live!

Source: Inside a Scalable Solution to Increasing Quality Relationships in Your Church with Judy West

The post Inside a Scalable Solution to Increasing Quality Relationships in Your Church with Judy West appeared first on Passion for Planting.

by Healthy Growing Churches: In our first post this month on Leadership Development, we talked about how everything rises and falls on leadership. There’s much as stake in us getting this right. We then talked about how to lead ourselves well by keeping Christ as the First Thing. And then we talked about how our families cannot fall victim to us leading well in the church and us leading poorly at home.

This week, we dive into leading our teams well. Understand, however, that we will never get this part right until we have our relationships with Jesus and our families in proper alignment. The teams you lead can either launch your vision forward, or those teams can suck all of the life out of your vision and your ministry.

A Few Thoughts on Leading Teams Well

1. The Health of Your Team Depends on You.

Self-assessment is a great tool to use here. What is your leadership style? Greg Wiens’ DISC assessment can help you understand how you function within the structure of your team. If there are deficiencies in your leadership, with whom are you surrounding yourself to overcome those? You don’t have to lead alone!

Then ask yourself if you’re actively discipling members of your team. Think of Jesus’ model here. We see Him having a deep connection with 3–Peter, James, and John (Mark 3:16, 17; Luke 6:14).  After that, there are the 12 disciples with whom Jesus spends the three years of His earthly ministry, teaching them all things. And then, in Luke 10, we see Jesus sending out the 72 to go out and teach and preach the Gospel He had taught them. How is that model working in your own life/ministry?

2. Know the Vision and Communicate It Well (and Often).

You may have a charismatic personality–someone easy to follow and incredibly likable. This character trait will only take you so far as a leader. Charisma will help you par on the golf course, but knowing and communicating a clear vision will take your game to a whole new level. People are not so easily impressed these days with smooth-talking leaders as they are with a vision that means something. The vision has to tell them where they’re going, what they’re doing, and for Whom they’re doing it! This vision should be woven in and through regular, everyday conversations and permeate the DNA of your organization.

3. Handle the Conflict Quickly, Precisely, and With Love.

This point could be a post all on its own (and likely will be). But just briefly here, I will mention that the longer you let conflict fester within your organization, the more toxic your organization will become. Not taking care of issues undermines your leadership and devalues the others on your teams. Learn how to have Crucial Conversations, cover those conversations with prayer, and love fiercely even when there’s no resolution to be found.

4. Be Authentic, and Be Vulnerable.

Authenticity and vulnerability can seem dangerous! I believe that there used to be a time when, as a leader, it was acceptable to have this façade that, “I’ve got all my stuff in order, and I’m basically perfect.” I’ve personally experienced this type of leadership a lot in the church, and it’s problematic to me. With the advent of social media came lots of fake-ness, right? Millennials and Xenials, in particular, can sniff out the fake like no other generation before. What they crave, however, is authenticity. They expect this in their leaders.

When the people you lead look at you, they want to know and understand that you’ve walked where they have. They need to see that not everything in your life is perfect, so they don’t feel so bad about their own lives not being picture perfect. This vulnerability creates a deep sense of connection between you and those you lead, and that connection is key!

I hope that you will take these four points and look for ways to incorporate them into the way you lead. Healthy Growing Churches wants to see you, your families, and your ministries and teams succeed!

The post Leadership Development: Leading Your Team Well appeared first on Healthy Growing Churches.

Source: Leadership Development: Leading Your Team Well

The post Leadership Development: Leading Your Team Well appeared first on Passion for Planting.

by Jim Putman: Family… that word probably brings many thoughts to your mind. You may have memories of fun and loving holiday times together with lots of food and laughter. Or you may be one of the many people that have memories of bitterness, conflict and broken relationships. Some may even have no family memories; and spent your life dreaming of what it would be like to have one. Whatever family experience you have had in your life, when you become a follower of Jesus you are adopted into a new family, and you become a child of God. All of a sudden, you become FAMILY with other believers! And, like most families – it comes with its share of struggles.

God has given us each other as a spiritual family for several purposes. One is that we need never feel alone here in this world, even though we know it isn’t our home. Another is that we have each other to give and take support when we are in need. Because of this, even if your biological family has not been loving or supportive you will have a spiritual family that can fill in those gaps in your life.

Jim is one of the speakers at this year’s National Disciple Making Forum. Learn more and register here.

Sounds great, doesn’t it!? The only problem is, this spiritual family is also filled with people. And wherever there are people, there is the potential for conflict. Because, well, because we are human! The Holy Spirit is changing us to look more like Jesus, but that is a process and we all fail at times. Sometimes we hurt each other in this family. Sometimes we get hurtand we want to isolate and protect ourselves. And most of the time we would rather keep our church family at arm’s length. We are afraid to be vulnerable, afraid we will be rejected if we share our ugly parts.

According to the plan God has for His children and His Church – we don’t get to choose isolation. In fact – isolation is Satan’s plan because he knows it is where he can work best, where he can hurt both God and us.

There are Four Environments where we need to spend time with our spiritual family according to what God has laid out for us in His Word. If you are engaged in all of these environments:

One on one time with Jesus.
A spiritual friendship with one or two people where you feel safe to confess sin.
A discipleship group of around 12 people.
Worship as the church body, as well as working corporately within our gifting as a team.

The two things that are integral to each of these environments are God’s Word and relationship.

Unfortunately, the only one of those environments most Christian’s are involved in is the weekend service. Weekend Christianity will NEVER be enough to mature you spiritually! You cannot fit all God knows you need into 1 ½ hours a week.

You also cannot grow and mature without relationships. Where else do you get to practice all of the things God calls us to be as His children?  How do we learn that love is patient and kind if we are isolated from each other? How do we developthe fruit of the Spirit if we never have a chance to display kindness, gentleness, and self-control?

“Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”  Phil. 4:9

I want to challenge you to make your spiritual family a priority in your life – these four environments need to be reflected in your calendar and your schedule. Time every day with God – 2 or 3 friends that will hold you accountable – A weekly small group – and lastly, coming together weekly to worship and serve with your local body of believers.

If we follow the design that God intends for his children, we will be able to grow to the full potential he has for us. And our lives will reflect the richness and joy that being a follower of Jesus brings. When that happens, people can’t help but notice a difference between the world and us and want to know more about becoming part of our family!

They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possesions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people.” Acts 2: 42-47a

Written by Jim Putman

This was originally posted on Jim Putman’s blog here. Used with permission.

Source: The Dangerous Trap Of Isolation – And How You Can Avoid It

The post The Dangerous Trap Of Isolation – And How You Can Avoid It appeared first on Passion for Planting.

Source: Pushing into Places of Conflict for the Good of the Kingdom

The post Pushing into Places of Conflict for the Good of the Kingdom appeared first on Passion for Planting.

by Jim Putman: I have a core belief that I think God calls all his followers to hold and that is Christ Centered Relationships. I believe that all my relationships need to be grounded in and centered on Christ and that I should be living out the fruit of the Spirit within them. This belief comes into play for you as the Disciple Maker and your relationships with the people you are discipling.

Conflict resolution is a tough but unavoidable part of relationships – if you are in a relationship that you are intentionally (or even unintentionally!) going deeper in, you will eventually have conflict within it.  Because.. well, people are people! Watch a couple of 2 year olds trying to play with the same toy and within seconds you will have conflict, tears, and possibly a tantrum.

Unfortunately that tendency doesn’t alway disappear with the onset of adulthood. People who are immature spiritually may look calm on the outside but are possibly going through the same kind of emotional storm as the 2 year old on the inside. And as adults we usually know how to effectively cause pain and division with an arsenal of words and attitude, without having to throw a single punch.

Satan loves this – he loves to separate us from each other and from God, and emotional conflict is a very effective means to that end. When we are in unity with others we are a much greater force against him than when we are isolated and straying from the pack.

3 Habits that help you hold a Helpful Discussion rather than a Hurtful Debate

1. De-escalate emotion:

Responding to someone while you are in the midst of emotion does not generally produce the outcome of agreement or unity in the relationship. Your feelings may cause you to speak louder and faster, you may come across as accusatory and combative, and these things can cause the other person’s emotions to raise in response.

Here are some things you can do to help reduce the emotions you are feeling and enable you to think clearly before speaking.

Pray. Pray for the other person, pray for yourself, pray that the Holy Spirit will be in the conversation.
Take a deep breath, give yourself a couple of minutes to think through your response.
Look objectively at the facts of the situation, rather than just your feelings.

“A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered” Proverbs 17:27

2. Show empathy/compassion

Stopping to make an effort to see value in the other person can have a dramatic change in your heart about the situation! It will help you to determine what outcome you would like to see from the interaction you are having. What equals a ‘win’ in God’s eyes? You being right or the relationship remaining intact?

Look at other person through eyes of Jesus.
Speak to them in a way you would like to be spoken to.
Listen to them for the purpose of understanding, not just to respond.

“..Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others too.” Phillippians 2: 3b-4

3. Avoid negative/combative behavior

Lastly, one of the most important parts of avoiding unhealthy conflict would be to avoid the type of behaviors listed below. These things are prone to bring out the worst response in people. It is hard not to want to defend yourself against someone who is armed for an attack.  The automatic response to these attitudes would be to attack, defend, and bring up their past behaviors. All of these things can lead to hurt feelings, anger, and separation of the relationship. We need to make an effort not to have these responses in ourselves, and the even tougher things, not respond in kind if they are used against us.

Don’t use criticism in your words, try to use ‘I’ statements rather than being accusatory.
Work to keep an attitude of defensiveness out of your voice and your body language.
Avoid bringing up past incidents/behavior – make a point of dealing with the present situation only.

“Instead we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” Ephesians 4:15

When we are spiritually mature we will be in relationship with God and others, and the relationship we have with God and others is also what helps us mature spiritually. It’s the circle of the life for a Disciple Maker!

Written by Jim Putman

This was originally posted on Jim Putman’s blog here. Used with permission.

Source: 3 Simple Habits That Keep A Discussion From Becoming A Debate

The post 3 Simple Habits That Keep A Discussion From Becoming A Debate appeared first on Passion for Planting.